Letting it out

This is a post I started working on a few months ago. And it seems right to finish it now, so I am. :) And finishing it without editing much, if anything, of what I wrote before. :)

It's been a long time since I wrote last. I've had a lot of internal stuff going on, we had about two months of illness, and so many swirling thoughts that there was no way to get out something coherent. Or more I felt like it needed to be coherent, , to be a story with a beginning, middle, end. A "yeah it sucked but this is what we got out of it in the end" or, I don't know. I've had a lot of wrestling with the idea that I have nothing to offer, nothing anyone would want to read.

Lately there has been a shift. I realized it first around food- I have spent a lot of time and stress agonizing over what to cook for meals, what to buy, what to serve, etc. And I've noticed that, without realizing it, my focus has been on making healthy foods that I think everyone will want to eat. Which of course there is nothing wrong with, just that, since *I* can only control *myself*, and know what *I* want to eat, by trying to only make things that I think my kids will like, I'm cutting myself off from the wisdom that I DO have access to, which is the wisdom of my own body. I can't know what their bodies want, because I'm not them. So when I try to guess that, and the whole experience of preparing and serving food is centered around guessing what their bodies want and what they will like, I am in a totally powerless position, and I am at their mercy because I have made "success" in the experience dependent on having guessed correctly. And once again I am totally ignoring my own needs/wants in the situation. And if I make eating all about other people and not about following my own body's wisdom, how are my kids supposed to learn how to listen to their own bodies around food? They certainly aren't seeing me do it! So I have shifted that- I am choosing (more often at least ;) ) to prepare what feels good to ME, that I can tell MY body wants and is excited about. And I am making sure there are things available for them to eat if their bodies don't feel the same. And I am continuing to ask their input and give them the opportunities to choose and help prepare foods that their bodies ARE saying that they want. Which has led to a new breakfast- breakfast pizza. Basically an omlette with cheese melted on it, cut into triangles. Which came soon after my own shift around food. I think I had been putting so much pressure on them to like what I was making (and therefore make it a success) that I wasn't giving them the freedom to explore other things. It has actually been a very subtle shift, it's not like I ordered them to eat food before, they always had the option to eat or not eat what was prepared, but I think they could FEEL how much was riding on their opinion of the food and it was making it hard for them to feel what their bodies were saying.

And that relates to this blog too. I have very often had all these things swirling around inside of me that want out, that I have felt led to let out in a way that other people can see. But I second guess myself, trying to figure out what people might want to read, or how they might react to what I've written. I feel responsible for whatever reaction they have to my words. If it's a negative reaction, there must be something wrong with what I said, or even worse, the person who said it- ME! Which, more often than not, leaves me very unsure about letting it out, so I just keep it inside. Although, keeping it inside doesn't make it go away. I've just become conscious of the fact that it continues to build and build inside me, this energy that is wanting to come through me in one form or another. And eventually I get so backlogged and everything trying to come through builds up so much pressure that it HAS to come out, most frequently in the form of exploding in anger or rage. I often find myself singing the following verse out of the song below, because it rings so true with my own experience-

"2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to"



Those explosions can very much feel like they're threatening my life! But at the same time, by stuffing the energy trying to come through me, I'm refusing to live. Because in order to stuff it, I almost have to assume a frozen position- one where I move my body only the bare minimum of what is required, I distract myself with other people's business and activities online that have very little meaning, but that take up time. I distract myself from all the activity inside me, the energy that is rushing around, trying its very best to find a way out! From the outside it doesn't look like I'm doing anything, but from the inside I am on high alert being a cage or prison for all this powerful amazing stuff that I've been gifted with the ability to deliver to the world, but I'm too afraid to! Sometimes it's like trying to turn my body into a hard enclosure for a Tasmanian devil- one moment focused on the present and it slips out, frequently destroying stuff in its path. Or resulting in negative attention and/or responses from those around me.

I've been asking myself how the energy is trying to come through in other ways, ways that I'm refusing. How does it WANT to come through me, before the pressure builds and it takes the form of a whirling dervish? Blogging/writing is one of them. I think the biggest, though, is painting/creating. Until a few years ago, I hadn't painted since high school. A friend encouraged me, and I started painting a bit. But I've been back to refusing over the past year. The last few months, though, I've been picking up my brushes more. And boy, it does feel good. :) And once I can figure out how to scan them into the computer better, I'll share some here.

Things really opened up for me a few months ago when I realized that it's my responsibility to let the energy flow through me in whatever way- talking/writing, art, music, healing, feeling, etc. It's other people's responsibility to recognize what is there speaking to them through me, if there is something. But it's not for me to guess or change the where/how/why of the energy, it's just for me to fully feel it in whatever way and let it through. Woooooosh!

So what are you being a prison for? What are your gifts that you've been given to deliver but are afraid of the consequences of letting them through? You are amazing, and your gifts are amazing, no matter how others respond. Some of us have been sent here to shake things up! Which often results in displeasure from others. But hey, if that's what we chose to come here to do, we might as well do it! And even if what is coming through you isn't as good as what is coming through someone else, the world needs you and your gifts too. Every act of allowing, no matter how mediocre it seems, is vital to the well-being of the whole planet, and most especially your own well-being. Being a portal is way more fun than being a prison!

Brand New Day

I can't stop listening to this song lately, it's just really speaking to me and where I am right now. Feeling on the verge of something huge and new, and the opportunities that keep showing up over and over to take those trepidatious first steps(yes, I may have made up a new word ;) ) that head towards this unknown that keeps calling to me.



I love this video, because it is so unexpected. And as I attempted to watch it this morning, in fits and starts because of needing to break up some fighting, or tend to someone overwhelmed with emotion, I got it. That it's ALWAYS a brand new day, in each second. Everything is new, and the past is past and CAN be just dropped. I'd like to say I moved with that knowing throughout my day, and honestly I did remind myself of it often. Did it make my feelings dissolve? Or the fighting stop? Or keep me from saying unkind things towards the one whose actions resulted in a sibling with a bloody nose? Nope. But still it was comforting that, yes, this moment is a new one, and I can choose differently. Or not. Maybe I need to continue through with where this is going. Maybe I have to allow the pressure to build up inside me until I decide it's not worth it to hold the pressure in anymore, to open the relief valve and let it fizzle. To finally fully LOOK at what is causing the pressure in the first place.

Also, through watching the video, the lines "for the first time in such a long long time, I know I'll be okay" really made sense, with respect to "big" things. It seems like the more "big" and "pushed me to the edge" things I've been through, the more I can look back and KNOW I was taken care of, and yes, I will be okay. No matter what, I will be okay. :)