For most of my young life, I was a book-aholic. I was always trying to get finished with my assignments so I could read some more, had bookshelves and bookshelves full of books I'd read and couldn't bear to part with, was always immersing myself in some other life via the printed word. I had a nightlight next to my bed all the way through high school- not because I was afraid of the dark but because then I could read all night long without getting caught by my parents. When I read I would become fully immersed in the book. A soundtrack would run through my mind. I would BE there. And leaving would be like ripping myself out of a new home, one I may have felt more comfortable in than my own. Looking back in the past, I always saw that I had been using books to escape. To run away from my own reality into something else. Now I'm wondering if there was something else at play, too.
When I became a mother, I gave up fiction. I actually wrote about it here. I believed that I got too grumpy, the ripping out was too painful, and I turned into a mother that I didn't want to be when I read fiction because of how deeply I got into it. So I just quit, and instead I read non-fiction that I could easily put down when interrupted.
And that worked for awhile. Last year we listened to the last couple Harry Potter books and a few other longer ones that I really got into. And once again, I couldn't just walk away from them. Sometimes we'd pull up to the house and sit outside for 30 more minutes just listening. I got grumpy when my listening got interrupted. And I, uh, accrued a sizable library fine. So we stopped listening for awhile.
But recently all 3 of my kids have become interested in listening to chapter books. So at bedtime we all hang out in the girls' room and read some fiction. First it was Frindle, and then the stories of Willy Wonka, then George and his Marvelous Medicine. Then Ralph, the mouse with the motorcycle. Then A Wrinkle in Time. And now The Secret Garden.
When we started A Wrinkle in Time I kinda kicked myself for picking that one, what with the really long chapters and the huge unfamiliar words. But they were interested and listening and I figured that if anything, I was helping increase their vocabulary. And I realized, we were reading the book for me just as much as them. Maybe more. Some chapters I'd feel a release in my chest that I didn't even realize I was carrying. Words were put to the feelings I was having that I couldn't describe. I'd read a chapter and know exactly why we'd read it that day.
And tonight we watched "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix". I wrote a little over a year ago about wanting to run away into a Harry Potter movie marathon. Well, I never did it. I kept holding myself back because, well, I guess because part of me is stuck in the idea that it's not REAL. I need to stay here, in REAL life. Not waste my time on fantasy that doesn't apply to my day in day out existence. I think somewhere along the way I got the idea that losing myself in a book was a waste of time, too. I still did it when I was young (but then, I was also a bit more stubborn about doing things people told me I shouldn't ;) ) but I think I had my books with a side of guilt. That really, I shouldn't be sitting here on this beautiful day, I should be doing something worthwhile! Reading books isn't worthwhile. Hmm. So for 10 years I've been avoiding this thing that will just waste my time and instead I have read things about the real world, or at least stories written by real people about their real lives. And it has been good and stuff. I've been staying in my real life better by refusing to escape reality through books. But tonight, when the movie was over and I was filled with these overwhelming feelings and I was agitated and HAD to write, I realized I have been missing something vital from my life. Something I have really and truly needed.
I am a sensitive person. You probably don't have to read much on this blog to catch on to that. I often feel things that other people don't talk about, that make "no sense" given my physical daily reality. But they are THERE. And sometimes it feels like they are huge and insurmountable and there's nothing I can do but tolerate them being there. They FEEL epic even though my life isn't. Talking with other sensitive people and learning about different systems and modalities I have come to understand that what I often feel is the pulse of the collective consciousness. Like we all have themes and feelings that are coming up to be experienced across the globe. Like there are waves of emotions that effect is all on some level. Some of us just notice them more than others. It has been very helpful to learn to separate my own experience from the collective experience. And still, it's there. And sometimes, it's all I can do to get through my basic life without being crushed by it.
Tonight, after the movie was over, the feelings I've been experiencing lately were amplified. They had been touched by the story. I was perceiving them in a different way than I had been before the movie. The story had changed them. And in my agitation, a thought floated up kinda like the triangle in a Magic 8 ball. What if fiction IS real. And not real in the sense that Middle Earth is really a place or super heroes actually patrol the skies. What if they are real in a sense that they are the tool with which we are able to work through those feelings that come up that many of us are barely aware of. Give those feelings a voice, a purpose, a solidity that may just not be possible in our physical reality. In a first world life with first world problems, how can we express and find solutions to the feeling that "we're not going to survive" or "our very lives are in danger" or "I am so young and inexperienced yet the responsibility to change my world lies with me"? But at the same time, how can we NOT feel those feelings when so many of our brothers and sisters around the world lie awake at night engulfed in them? Even though they don't match our daily life, and others don't understand and may say to just shake it off, some of us feel them, and feel them very deeply, nonetheless. Maybe the only way I can work through some of these overwhelming feelings that don't seem to be mine, because probably they're not, is to go to that very real place where we go when immersed in a story of heroics that is not our own. In a story of magic and wonder and fantasy and impossible becoming possible. Maybe that's the place where those feelings reside. Maybe every time I go there and walk alongside someone else feeling those things in huge overwhelming ways, and walk with them as they take their steps and maybe fall and take more steps, and look fear in the face and keep moving; maybe when I come to the last page and they have changed, maybe I have changed too. And maybe I have helped those feelings to change on the only plane where I have access to them. Maybe the twists and turns and changes that have led to courage and love and friendship and solutions that were not possible before have increased my capacity, even the world's capacity, to do the same.
I've denied myself fantasy. I've denied myself pretend. But I don't think I can function to the best of my ability in the real, physical world while keeping the door to fantastic and imaginary and impossible tightly closed and barred any longer. Somehow the two need to coexist side by side. I have to have both to live a full, REAL life.
I am open to all possibilities around this balance. I'll let you know how it goes! And any wisdom and experience surrounding this merger is absolutely welcome. I love feeling how others create their lives. <3
Monday, August 26, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Keep Breathing
Today has felt really, really weird. Maybe it's a consequence of only getting 2 hours of sleep on Sunday night and not really making up for it on the nights since, maybe it was the powerful storm that was coming tonight, maybe it is all of the social interactions I've had scheduled lately that have been out of my element, and the lack of alone time I need to balance it. No matter what was behind it, I felt odd today in a way I haven't really felt before, or at least not in quite awhile. I have some coping mechanisms for when I feel particularly "off" or like I'm suffocating or like I'm crawling out of my skin, but none of those seemed to fit today. The song below kept running through my head, reminding me to keep breathing. Sometimes that's the best thing to do. Just keep breathing, attending to the breath in and out. Let all of those outside things that I may or may not be able to do anything about fall away if just for a moment. And connect with the cycle of in and out that keeps me alive, in this body, experiencing life in so many beautiful and painful and perplexing ways. Sometimes the best thing to do when you feel like you're drowning in the intensity of the world is to just breathe and breathe and breathe until you feel like you have a handle on life again, even a teeny tiny one. And so I wanted to share the song with you today, just in case you need the reminder too. <3
"Keep Breathing"
Ingrid Michaelson
The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds
All that I know is I'm breathing now
I want to change the world
Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me
But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now
All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now
People are dying, I close my blinds
All that I know is I'm breathing now
I want to change the world
Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me
But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now
All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now
Monday, June 24, 2013
How Life Is Like a Video Game
The title of this post will probably either leave you nodding your head in agreement because you've thought it many times before, or wondering how I could make such an absurd statement. Actually, there are many ways I feel life is like a video game, but today I'm just going to talk about one.
There are many different types of video games. The type I've been thinking about lately is called a side scrolling video game. If you've ever played Mario or Sonic, you've played a side scroller. Typically, you start the level at a point on the left, and as you move right, towards the end of the level, the camera follows you with a speed that matches your movement. You can be as slow or as fast as you want. If there is no one in the area coming to attack you and you really have to pee, you can leave your little character standing there until you come back and everything will be hunky dory. My kids have done this multiple, multiple times. We'll come back from somewhere and realize the game has been on for HOURS and the character is waiting right there. Maybe yawning or asleep, but none the worse for wear.
I SO wish life were like this at times. I am fully aware that there are things I'm meant to do in this life, some of which really freak me out. And my default setting when freaked out is to resist and procrastinate and refuse to do anything even semi related to that thing I'm supposed to do. Maybe you're familiar with that setting? I wish that I could sit down and refuse to do anything and still have the time and opportunity to do that thing. Because I really do WANT to, I'm just not ready quite yet. But life is not like that type of video game, because life doesn't sit and do nothing when I'm refusing. I can't find a safe place to hide so I can avoid that next challenge for as long as I want, because that challenge may not be there by the time I'm done avoiding it.
The type of game I'm thinking of I don't have a name for. Timed side scroller? I don't know. Anyway, in this type, you start on the left and move to the right, but the camera moves at a constant speed. Here are two examples: (Neither of which are me playing. :) )
In some of these games, if you're too slow and you're touched by the edge of the screen on the left, you die. In others if you hang back too far, the left edge of the screen shoves you along until you get smashed by something or stuck, and then you die. On the bumblebee level above, if you get squished then you come out of the circular door on the left side of the screen right where you left off. On Mario you start over.
My kids often try to be the fastest on these levels and end up dying just as frequently as someone who is being too slow because when you're pushing the edge you can't see and prepare for what is coming next. And pushing the edge doesn't actually make it go any faster, it all happens in its own right time. It seems the best place to hang out is somewhere in the middle of the screen- you can speed up if you see something you want to get but won't be able to reach if you wait, or you can slow down if you're not correctly positioned to go through a certain obstacle. Sometimes you decide that it's not possible to get all of the coins or bubbles and stay alive so you have to pass them by, or maybe you decide to sacrifice a life or two to get something you especially want. But a few things are certain- you WILL get to the end when and only when the screen takes you there, and unless there is a cheat in there, you have to go through all of the challenges to get there.
This is the type of game life is feeling like right now. Time continues to march on, to move me forward just as the camera does in the game. When I try to stand still and prepare (or avoid) I just get shoved along. And I can't do nothing and manage to float along and arrive at the end goal unscathed. Often I get squished, or have to move around really fast in a panic to get around things or align myself correctly, or miss a really cool prize that I just wasn't able to get to in time because I wouldn't allow myself to try for it until it was almost past the window of opportunity. There is a lot of pain and extra stress caused by letting the edge of the screen shove me forwards. There are times when I venture out into the middle where there is more room to maneuver, but there is a security and solidity in that left side of the screen. It helps hold me up in some ways. It's solid when everything else is transient. Sometimes it feels like it takes all of my energy just to deal with the life that's coming at me and I just don't have the energy to move forward on my own.
But then there's that pain and stress caused by hanging back to far. That's why I'm writing this at nearly 4 a.m., with my body aching and my eyes half closed. I've been ignoring my need to let the creative energy out this past week. I haven't even journaled much which is normally what keeps me at baseline. I understood today that I either needed to write or paint, and although I got the table cleaned off so I could paint I didn't, and by the time I got the kids to sleep the pressure building up inside me was such that I knew it couldn't be resolved by just writing in my journal. This is the extra energy, the extra push that helps me actually write here. But not without loss of health status- I'm going to be really, really low tomorrow after staying up so late! I know hanging out in the middle of the screen could spare me that loss by doing things when I have the flexibility to speed up or slow down, but that's a balance I just haven't figured out yet. Or maybe I'm just too afraid to leave the left side of the screen and propel myself on my own? That would require things like self care and allowing things through even though they're not at full pressure yet. That would mean seeing the inherent value in them (to a level at least equal to if not higher than things like the dishes and cleaning the house) that would make it okay to use my precious daytime hours on them. That would mean continuing to take nurturing steps forward even though part of me is shaking in my boots and pleading for me to stop. It would mean keeping my eyes focused on what I really want to be doing, NEED to be doing so I can thrive, and keep moving that direction. Those are my next steps, and I think I'm ready to take them.
I know that I'm nearly to the end of this level, the conclusion of which will be my new website. I can feel the birthing pains. I can feel the difficulty level increasing and the challenges with narrower possibilities for achievement that are requiring that I shed much of my baggage and increase my abilities. But I can see that the left side of the screen is not going to escort me there this time. Or at least not without extreme discomfort and an exorbitant amount of squishing. Time for me to move forward of my own volition.
There are many different types of video games. The type I've been thinking about lately is called a side scrolling video game. If you've ever played Mario or Sonic, you've played a side scroller. Typically, you start the level at a point on the left, and as you move right, towards the end of the level, the camera follows you with a speed that matches your movement. You can be as slow or as fast as you want. If there is no one in the area coming to attack you and you really have to pee, you can leave your little character standing there until you come back and everything will be hunky dory. My kids have done this multiple, multiple times. We'll come back from somewhere and realize the game has been on for HOURS and the character is waiting right there. Maybe yawning or asleep, but none the worse for wear.
I SO wish life were like this at times. I am fully aware that there are things I'm meant to do in this life, some of which really freak me out. And my default setting when freaked out is to resist and procrastinate and refuse to do anything even semi related to that thing I'm supposed to do. Maybe you're familiar with that setting? I wish that I could sit down and refuse to do anything and still have the time and opportunity to do that thing. Because I really do WANT to, I'm just not ready quite yet. But life is not like that type of video game, because life doesn't sit and do nothing when I'm refusing. I can't find a safe place to hide so I can avoid that next challenge for as long as I want, because that challenge may not be there by the time I'm done avoiding it.
The type of game I'm thinking of I don't have a name for. Timed side scroller? I don't know. Anyway, in this type, you start on the left and move to the right, but the camera moves at a constant speed. Here are two examples: (Neither of which are me playing. :) )
In some of these games, if you're too slow and you're touched by the edge of the screen on the left, you die. In others if you hang back too far, the left edge of the screen shoves you along until you get smashed by something or stuck, and then you die. On the bumblebee level above, if you get squished then you come out of the circular door on the left side of the screen right where you left off. On Mario you start over.
My kids often try to be the fastest on these levels and end up dying just as frequently as someone who is being too slow because when you're pushing the edge you can't see and prepare for what is coming next. And pushing the edge doesn't actually make it go any faster, it all happens in its own right time. It seems the best place to hang out is somewhere in the middle of the screen- you can speed up if you see something you want to get but won't be able to reach if you wait, or you can slow down if you're not correctly positioned to go through a certain obstacle. Sometimes you decide that it's not possible to get all of the coins or bubbles and stay alive so you have to pass them by, or maybe you decide to sacrifice a life or two to get something you especially want. But a few things are certain- you WILL get to the end when and only when the screen takes you there, and unless there is a cheat in there, you have to go through all of the challenges to get there.
This is the type of game life is feeling like right now. Time continues to march on, to move me forward just as the camera does in the game. When I try to stand still and prepare (or avoid) I just get shoved along. And I can't do nothing and manage to float along and arrive at the end goal unscathed. Often I get squished, or have to move around really fast in a panic to get around things or align myself correctly, or miss a really cool prize that I just wasn't able to get to in time because I wouldn't allow myself to try for it until it was almost past the window of opportunity. There is a lot of pain and extra stress caused by letting the edge of the screen shove me forwards. There are times when I venture out into the middle where there is more room to maneuver, but there is a security and solidity in that left side of the screen. It helps hold me up in some ways. It's solid when everything else is transient. Sometimes it feels like it takes all of my energy just to deal with the life that's coming at me and I just don't have the energy to move forward on my own.
But then there's that pain and stress caused by hanging back to far. That's why I'm writing this at nearly 4 a.m., with my body aching and my eyes half closed. I've been ignoring my need to let the creative energy out this past week. I haven't even journaled much which is normally what keeps me at baseline. I understood today that I either needed to write or paint, and although I got the table cleaned off so I could paint I didn't, and by the time I got the kids to sleep the pressure building up inside me was such that I knew it couldn't be resolved by just writing in my journal. This is the extra energy, the extra push that helps me actually write here. But not without loss of health status- I'm going to be really, really low tomorrow after staying up so late! I know hanging out in the middle of the screen could spare me that loss by doing things when I have the flexibility to speed up or slow down, but that's a balance I just haven't figured out yet. Or maybe I'm just too afraid to leave the left side of the screen and propel myself on my own? That would require things like self care and allowing things through even though they're not at full pressure yet. That would mean seeing the inherent value in them (to a level at least equal to if not higher than things like the dishes and cleaning the house) that would make it okay to use my precious daytime hours on them. That would mean continuing to take nurturing steps forward even though part of me is shaking in my boots and pleading for me to stop. It would mean keeping my eyes focused on what I really want to be doing, NEED to be doing so I can thrive, and keep moving that direction. Those are my next steps, and I think I'm ready to take them.
I know that I'm nearly to the end of this level, the conclusion of which will be my new website. I can feel the birthing pains. I can feel the difficulty level increasing and the challenges with narrower possibilities for achievement that are requiring that I shed much of my baggage and increase my abilities. But I can see that the left side of the screen is not going to escort me there this time. Or at least not without extreme discomfort and an exorbitant amount of squishing. Time for me to move forward of my own volition.
Game on.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Why I Can't Cry
So the other night after I posted that I Can't Cry I felt a noticeable shift. My tears didn't seem quite so blocked and that was a really interesting feeling to have! I watched the movie that I hoped would help me cry, and it did to a degree. And then, even though it was really, really late and I had big things the next day and I could come up with tons of reasons why not- I got out my paper and I painted. Which is big because I hadn't painted in a long time. And what was even bigger was that I finished the painting which has not been my norm lately!
I have been playing around with doing intuitive message paintings for maybe close to a year now. I figure out what question I want answered, or what I want support around, or what I want the painting to illustrate, and I come up with a question to be answered by the painting. I also have a piece of paper nearby to jot down any messages that I hear coming through to answer the question. Then I get in a meditative state and ask the question over and over again with my breath. I often write down the message first, and then move to the painting. I never know what it is going to look like when I start. Sometimes I have a bit of an inkling, but often I don't. I just follow as I feel led- put red paint here, green dots there, yellow swirls here. And when the directions stop, the painting is finished. It's really fun to paint this way, and I have been completely blown away by the answers and images that come through, especially when the focus is on a question for someone else. I'm amazed at the messages that are NOT what my mind would have chosen that end up being completely accurate or perfectly what the other person needs to hear.
So that night I decided to ask a question about my crying, or lack thereof. I asked "Why can't I cry?" and this is the answer that came through-
Tears were the easy way to let it through, back when you had no other way to communicate. But now you do and it's important to let it through in a way that communicates your awareness of it to help others become aware as well. Crying was dumping it so you could move on, get back to life as usual. Painting and writing are letting it through in a way that helps you and others, and the world, and consciousness to grow. Each release in the form of communication is a leveling up instead of a release through tears being simply a crisis intervention, a pressure relief valve to allow things to continue as they were. It is a gift.
A huge weight was lifted once I got that message and finished the painting. And I'm amazed to say that my tears have been flowing easier than ever. Especially when I take the time to write or paint or share my awareness with someone else. It can be so hard to talk about your experience of life when it's far from the one you're "supposed" to be having. It can be so hard to talk about feelings with other people, especially when you're always "too sensitive" about everything. I had come to believe some time ago that my sensitivity is a big part of my gift, of my reason for being here. But I can't say that there hasn't been a part of me that would have been more than happy to dump it for a more "normal" experience of the world. Oh how much easier life would be, right? Except I don't tend to pick easy things, I tend to go for the challenges so it makes sense that I would have picked a life with them. Especially challenges that could potentially have a big payoff in the form of helping others be more at peace with themselves and their feelings and beings. I have experienced before that when I am honest about my experience it can really help others find peace with their own. I can see now that it may help me just as much as it helps them.
Thank you tears for refusing to flow until I could understand that. I am so grateful that you stood firm even while I tried my hardest to get you to flow. I am sorry I thought something was wrong with you.
Love and hugs to all of you out there reading this. Thank you for helping me, and I hope I am able to help you just as much. <3
I have been playing around with doing intuitive message paintings for maybe close to a year now. I figure out what question I want answered, or what I want support around, or what I want the painting to illustrate, and I come up with a question to be answered by the painting. I also have a piece of paper nearby to jot down any messages that I hear coming through to answer the question. Then I get in a meditative state and ask the question over and over again with my breath. I often write down the message first, and then move to the painting. I never know what it is going to look like when I start. Sometimes I have a bit of an inkling, but often I don't. I just follow as I feel led- put red paint here, green dots there, yellow swirls here. And when the directions stop, the painting is finished. It's really fun to paint this way, and I have been completely blown away by the answers and images that come through, especially when the focus is on a question for someone else. I'm amazed at the messages that are NOT what my mind would have chosen that end up being completely accurate or perfectly what the other person needs to hear.
So that night I decided to ask a question about my crying, or lack thereof. I asked "Why can't I cry?" and this is the answer that came through-
Tears were the easy way to let it through, back when you had no other way to communicate. But now you do and it's important to let it through in a way that communicates your awareness of it to help others become aware as well. Crying was dumping it so you could move on, get back to life as usual. Painting and writing are letting it through in a way that helps you and others, and the world, and consciousness to grow. Each release in the form of communication is a leveling up instead of a release through tears being simply a crisis intervention, a pressure relief valve to allow things to continue as they were. It is a gift.
A huge weight was lifted once I got that message and finished the painting. And I'm amazed to say that my tears have been flowing easier than ever. Especially when I take the time to write or paint or share my awareness with someone else. It can be so hard to talk about your experience of life when it's far from the one you're "supposed" to be having. It can be so hard to talk about feelings with other people, especially when you're always "too sensitive" about everything. I had come to believe some time ago that my sensitivity is a big part of my gift, of my reason for being here. But I can't say that there hasn't been a part of me that would have been more than happy to dump it for a more "normal" experience of the world. Oh how much easier life would be, right? Except I don't tend to pick easy things, I tend to go for the challenges so it makes sense that I would have picked a life with them. Especially challenges that could potentially have a big payoff in the form of helping others be more at peace with themselves and their feelings and beings. I have experienced before that when I am honest about my experience it can really help others find peace with their own. I can see now that it may help me just as much as it helps them.
Thank you tears for refusing to flow until I could understand that. I am so grateful that you stood firm even while I tried my hardest to get you to flow. I am sorry I thought something was wrong with you.
Love and hugs to all of you out there reading this. Thank you for helping me, and I hope I am able to help you just as much. <3
Friday, April 26, 2013
I Can't Cry
I know it has been a LONG time since I wrote last. I have a couple unfinished posts, an unfinished new website, and all sorts of other things to share with you. But for now, I need to share that I can't cry.
Seems like a dream maybe for some of you. And it was a dream of mine I think when I was younger. I was always crying. And always shouldn't have been. Or at least that's the message I got from others. Especially the lovely "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." I had no right to cry, no reason. And at some point I turned off the tears. I don't remember when. If it happened when I started taking depression medication when I was 11, or when I was a teenager and had to be grown up, or when I was an adult (because adults never cry). But somewhere along there a dam was built behind my eyes, and the tears rarely leak through anymore.
And it's not the wonderful thing I thought it would be.
Sadness is a valid emotion. In the best cases, we feel it, we process it (often though crying), it moves through, and we move on to the next feeling that shows up. But when you can't cry, it often gets stuck. Or at the least it takes a really long time to feel through.
The past few weeks I have felt really slow, weighted down, depressed even. I'm not really worried about the depressed part. Since healing from the major depression that was the majority of my life until I was 25, I still slide through depression at times. It too is a valid emotion. It's when we get stuck that it becomes a problem. Right now I'm trusting that I'm just moving through it slowly.
I have realized in the past few years that I feel things others don't. Yes, that sensitive word that I so hated growing up does apply. It has its gifts and it has its discomforts. And the past few weeks I have been feeling the discomforts. So much pain has been going on, and I've been feeling it. Recently I've been able to learn to separate what is mine and what is not, but even though I know it's not mine I still feel it. I avoid the news and don't read much about what's going on except the basic facts for major events, but it's still there. And I've had my own things that I need to feel and process and move through, all of which have been felt very strongly these past few weeks as well.
And I can't cry.
I've worked with quite a few practitioners on this very topic, and always we make some headway. But still, the floodgates aren't open.
And why am I telling you this?
Because nearly all of us have been taught that it's bad to cry. Never let others see you cry. Be strong. Be a big girl or boy. Brush it off. But when we don't allow ourselves to cry, we can't move through the feeling of sadness as smoothly. And we can't move on to feeling the next thing, which could be freaking amazing, but we're spending so much time and effort holding the tears back that we can't get there. I can see the freaking amazing things in my life just sitting there waiting for me to pick them up and feel their joy. But I can't yet because first I need to feel through the sadness- it's next in line. Like cars going through a one lane tunnel, sadness has to be allowed through first before anything else can come through.
My plan is to watch a movie that moves me to tears tonight after everyone else is asleep. That's normally how I can sneak around my block. I thought I'd be okay without doing that, but today I was feeling even slower and more weighed down, so I know I truly need to. For whatever reason, the tears flow easier when they're for someone else. The movie allows me to start crying, and then I can move through my own sadness. That's my plan. Because I really want to move on to those joyful things that are waiting for me. I can hear the fun music from the next car waiting to come through the tunnel. I just have to focus on the one that's in front of me right now.
How about you? Are you holding back tears right now? What would make it okay to let them through?
Much love to you all. You and your tears are a blessing to the world.
Seems like a dream maybe for some of you. And it was a dream of mine I think when I was younger. I was always crying. And always shouldn't have been. Or at least that's the message I got from others. Especially the lovely "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." I had no right to cry, no reason. And at some point I turned off the tears. I don't remember when. If it happened when I started taking depression medication when I was 11, or when I was a teenager and had to be grown up, or when I was an adult (because adults never cry). But somewhere along there a dam was built behind my eyes, and the tears rarely leak through anymore.
And it's not the wonderful thing I thought it would be.
Sadness is a valid emotion. In the best cases, we feel it, we process it (often though crying), it moves through, and we move on to the next feeling that shows up. But when you can't cry, it often gets stuck. Or at the least it takes a really long time to feel through.The past few weeks I have felt really slow, weighted down, depressed even. I'm not really worried about the depressed part. Since healing from the major depression that was the majority of my life until I was 25, I still slide through depression at times. It too is a valid emotion. It's when we get stuck that it becomes a problem. Right now I'm trusting that I'm just moving through it slowly.
I have realized in the past few years that I feel things others don't. Yes, that sensitive word that I so hated growing up does apply. It has its gifts and it has its discomforts. And the past few weeks I have been feeling the discomforts. So much pain has been going on, and I've been feeling it. Recently I've been able to learn to separate what is mine and what is not, but even though I know it's not mine I still feel it. I avoid the news and don't read much about what's going on except the basic facts for major events, but it's still there. And I've had my own things that I need to feel and process and move through, all of which have been felt very strongly these past few weeks as well.
And I can't cry.
I've worked with quite a few practitioners on this very topic, and always we make some headway. But still, the floodgates aren't open.
And why am I telling you this?
Because nearly all of us have been taught that it's bad to cry. Never let others see you cry. Be strong. Be a big girl or boy. Brush it off. But when we don't allow ourselves to cry, we can't move through the feeling of sadness as smoothly. And we can't move on to feeling the next thing, which could be freaking amazing, but we're spending so much time and effort holding the tears back that we can't get there. I can see the freaking amazing things in my life just sitting there waiting for me to pick them up and feel their joy. But I can't yet because first I need to feel through the sadness- it's next in line. Like cars going through a one lane tunnel, sadness has to be allowed through first before anything else can come through.
My plan is to watch a movie that moves me to tears tonight after everyone else is asleep. That's normally how I can sneak around my block. I thought I'd be okay without doing that, but today I was feeling even slower and more weighed down, so I know I truly need to. For whatever reason, the tears flow easier when they're for someone else. The movie allows me to start crying, and then I can move through my own sadness. That's my plan. Because I really want to move on to those joyful things that are waiting for me. I can hear the fun music from the next car waiting to come through the tunnel. I just have to focus on the one that's in front of me right now.
How about you? Are you holding back tears right now? What would make it okay to let them through?
Much love to you all. You and your tears are a blessing to the world.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
It is Okay to Celebrate Myself. Really.
Birthdays have long been kind of weird for me. Feeling like this is finally a day when I deserve attention, but not knowing how to accept positive attention, feeling like I have to brush it off and make it seem like it's not a big deal so I don't seem full of myself.
Last year on my birthday, as I was reading through the lovely birthday wishes that friends had posted on my facebook wall, trying to decide whether or not to thank each one individually or if that would make it seem like *I* was paying too much attention to the attention. . . I became aware of a curious feeling within my body. It was as if each "Happy Birthday!" was pulling the string of a motor inside my stomach- much like you pull the string of a lawn mower to start it. As I read each loving wish, I felt almost a vibrating, a stirring of butterflies, a light beginning to spin. And then, like a lawnmower that hasn't had its string pulled quite hard enough, it would stop. Each time I read a new wish I would feel this way, and I wondered what that feeling was about?
The right to be happy that I was born.
Really? At first I was confused, and then the understanding started to sink in. On some level, I felt that if enough other people were happy that I was here on this Earth, then I could be happy about it too. Each "Happy Birthday!" was bringing me closer to what I thought was a "tipping point", where I could finally stand up and say "I'm happy I'm here, too!" and it would be okay because enough other people felt the same way- it wasn't just that I was stuck up or thought too highly of myself. But until I reached that tipping point I had to stay unhappy about being here, I had to keep my head down, I had to be meek and modest and downplay all of their happy wishes for me, because I didn't deserve them.
And then a switch flipped in me. Because gosh darn it, what if no one else in the world was happy that I was born, what if they all thought the world would have been better off without me- couldn't *I* choose to be happy to be here? Couldn't I chose to delight in the experiences I get to have, the breaths I get to take, the beauty I get to see? Even if they don't see a single positive thing that has come from my birth, can't I choose to be happy simply because I am alive? And a phrase popped into my head-
It is okay for me to celebrate myself, I don't have to wait for others to do it.
And I went over and wrote it on my white board where I write quotes and things that inspire me. And I felt a little nervous and a little excited at the same time. ;)
See, I'm not a big celebrater. I do pretty well being grateful for things as they come, seeing the awesome in the day-in-day-out type stuff, but celebrations- parties, holidays, etc- tend to make me nervous. I mean, they're fun and all but the lead up is stressful, there are often too many people around who converse only in small talk, food to be prepared, best behavior to be on. . . But I started to see that, if I were the only one who was happy I was here, then I could celebrate my own existence in my own way. Celebrating myself could just mean being with myself in a loving and excited way, to honor my true self and my decision to come here to this planet, to rejoice in all of the amazing things I get to experience because I am on this Earth and I have a body to experience it with! To fill myself with love and joy so fully that the party would be IN me, just me, myself, and I marveling at this existence. And that motor in my stomach that was trying to start before, that couldn't get going on the love of others, started to ever so quietly and gently hum under the power of my own love. The only power that could actually get it started.
Looking back over the past year, I can see how I started to slowly, very slowly relax into that possibility, into that realization that I can celebrate myself and the fact that I am here without having to wait for others to do it first. And really, how on earth can other people celebrate my true self when I'm not happy enough with it to even share it with them? My most recent birthday was earlier this week, and the change from last year to this both amazes me and leaves me grinning. Oh, I'm still not fully there, I still look to others to get my motor started at times, but I am at least conscious of it now so it's easier to shift from thinking it has to be an outside job to remembering that it's an inside job. Always is. And I have finally embodied that enough to paint it.
A fantastic thing happened this year- my dear friend birthed an amazing BIG soul into a new tiny body on the same date that I was birthed. I have a new awesome birthday buddy! And while in the past I would have felt sorry for the poor guy to have to share a birthday with me, this year I am overjoyed to get to share such a special day with such a special guy. I'm so glad he's here on this planet! And for maybe the first time, I'm so glad I am too!
Last year on my birthday, as I was reading through the lovely birthday wishes that friends had posted on my facebook wall, trying to decide whether or not to thank each one individually or if that would make it seem like *I* was paying too much attention to the attention. . . I became aware of a curious feeling within my body. It was as if each "Happy Birthday!" was pulling the string of a motor inside my stomach- much like you pull the string of a lawn mower to start it. As I read each loving wish, I felt almost a vibrating, a stirring of butterflies, a light beginning to spin. And then, like a lawnmower that hasn't had its string pulled quite hard enough, it would stop. Each time I read a new wish I would feel this way, and I wondered what that feeling was about?
The right to be happy that I was born.
Really? At first I was confused, and then the understanding started to sink in. On some level, I felt that if enough other people were happy that I was here on this Earth, then I could be happy about it too. Each "Happy Birthday!" was bringing me closer to what I thought was a "tipping point", where I could finally stand up and say "I'm happy I'm here, too!" and it would be okay because enough other people felt the same way- it wasn't just that I was stuck up or thought too highly of myself. But until I reached that tipping point I had to stay unhappy about being here, I had to keep my head down, I had to be meek and modest and downplay all of their happy wishes for me, because I didn't deserve them.
And then a switch flipped in me. Because gosh darn it, what if no one else in the world was happy that I was born, what if they all thought the world would have been better off without me- couldn't *I* choose to be happy to be here? Couldn't I chose to delight in the experiences I get to have, the breaths I get to take, the beauty I get to see? Even if they don't see a single positive thing that has come from my birth, can't I choose to be happy simply because I am alive? And a phrase popped into my head-
It is okay for me to celebrate myself, I don't have to wait for others to do it.
And I went over and wrote it on my white board where I write quotes and things that inspire me. And I felt a little nervous and a little excited at the same time. ;)
See, I'm not a big celebrater. I do pretty well being grateful for things as they come, seeing the awesome in the day-in-day-out type stuff, but celebrations- parties, holidays, etc- tend to make me nervous. I mean, they're fun and all but the lead up is stressful, there are often too many people around who converse only in small talk, food to be prepared, best behavior to be on. . . But I started to see that, if I were the only one who was happy I was here, then I could celebrate my own existence in my own way. Celebrating myself could just mean being with myself in a loving and excited way, to honor my true self and my decision to come here to this planet, to rejoice in all of the amazing things I get to experience because I am on this Earth and I have a body to experience it with! To fill myself with love and joy so fully that the party would be IN me, just me, myself, and I marveling at this existence. And that motor in my stomach that was trying to start before, that couldn't get going on the love of others, started to ever so quietly and gently hum under the power of my own love. The only power that could actually get it started.
Looking back over the past year, I can see how I started to slowly, very slowly relax into that possibility, into that realization that I can celebrate myself and the fact that I am here without having to wait for others to do it first. And really, how on earth can other people celebrate my true self when I'm not happy enough with it to even share it with them? My most recent birthday was earlier this week, and the change from last year to this both amazes me and leaves me grinning. Oh, I'm still not fully there, I still look to others to get my motor started at times, but I am at least conscious of it now so it's easier to shift from thinking it has to be an outside job to remembering that it's an inside job. Always is. And I have finally embodied that enough to paint it.
A fantastic thing happened this year- my dear friend birthed an amazing BIG soul into a new tiny body on the same date that I was birthed. I have a new awesome birthday buddy! And while in the past I would have felt sorry for the poor guy to have to share a birthday with me, this year I am overjoyed to get to share such a special day with such a special guy. I'm so glad he's here on this planet! And for maybe the first time, I'm so glad I am too!
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Bad Must Come Before Good?
Hoo boy this summer has been intense! So much time just riding the waves, or deep underwater, or feeling like the world is turning on it's head that I haven't really had the ability to sit and write here. But tonight I'm feeling it so out some words come. :)
Have you ever heard the phrase "Suffering is optional"? Or been told that you can have and create wonderful things without struggling to get them? That life can be all ease and grace even while you're learning new things? That you don't have to work hard for what you want, you just have to allow it?
Those are common themes in self-help materials, especially those focused towards the Law of Attraction and energy/vibration. I've read and heard those types of things for YEARS. And while part of me has said "Oh yes, that makes perfect sense!" another part of me has crossed her arms and said "Bull S#%t".
I've pondered on this many times, this subconscious dedication that I seem to have to suffering. I've felt for a long time that part of me has actually enjoyed the suffering, not because of how it felt but because of what it meant. It meant that I was getting to see how strong I was. It meant that I was learning or growing or developing a lot. It meant that I deserved any help that others might be willing to give me. And it meant that I was REALLY earning any good things that were coming to me after the suffering was over.
Take someone who appears to have easily gotten everything good in their life. More than their peers, even. They just seem to walk through life with gifts laid at their feet. They tend to be the target of resentment and jealousy, snide comments behind their back about how it's not fair how easy life is for them. But people who have suffered or whose good things have come after a horrible event, they are looked upon with love and comfort that at least they got some good after the horrors they endured. At some point I saw these two patterns and subconsciously (or maybe even consciously depending on how old I was) decided that it is safer to get good things AFTER bad things happen.
And really, that message is prevalent in our culture, too. Bad first, then you're allowed to have good. "No pain, no gain". The idea that if you work hard for 12+ years in school, especially if school is hard for you, then at the end you will have earned yourself the ability to have a good life in the "real world" and then you can be happy. The harder you work, the better your reward. I got the message in church that life was meant to be endured, the more you suffered on Earth, the more you would be given in heaven. "Keep your nose to the grindstone". (Can I say ouch?) You have to punish children and make them feel bad about themselves so they will grow into good, kind adults. You must deprive yourself of the things you like to eat so your body can be beautiful.
I was thinking about this the other day, and some phrases came to mind. I used EFT to work through them, and felt much freer afterwards.
-I must always be working hard for good things to happen.
-If I slack off and do something I enjoy then good things won't happen because I haven't worked hard enough.
-If it's fun and easy then you're not doing enough.
-If you're poor and smiling you're not doing enough, only rich people are allowed to be happy.
-Your life has to be struggle, struggle, struggle until you have earned good things and then you can be happy.
-If I want amazing things in my life, I must first go through amazing pain.
So, in a nutshell, everyone has to start out miserable and working hard at whatever it is that someone else says they should be doing, and then eventually, if you toil enough, someone will come along, tap your shoulder and free you from the pain so you can skip off and be happy and free.
Yeah, I realize it may sound crazy, but subconscious beliefs often are! I really enjoy uncovering these beliefs, because it helps me see with greater clarity WHY I often do things that make no logical sense ;), and gives me the opportunity to chose something different. How do I want bad and good to relate to each other? Do I want to struggle before good things can happen? Can I allow good things to happen without being required to get mired in muck first? It also gives me the opportunity to thank a part of me that has been working so very hard for so very long to keep me as safe as possible. Even if I don't like what has happened because it was trying to keep me safe, I can love it and appreciate its hard work. And find a greater capacity for compassion for myself.
Then again, maybe that belief that I picked up wasn't just crazy old me jumping to conclusions. We talk about how we must finish our work before playing, students in school who have demonstrated extra effort may get to take some time to do something fun that others don't get to do, heck, isn't that the whole concept of retirement? Work hard at something that you may or may not enjoy for 40+ years and then you earn the right to do what you want with your time?
So is there a different way? Is there another option? Is it possible that those phrases at the beginning of this blog post could be true? And if so, how would that look?
Do you have anything that comes easy to you, that you love so much that working at it is more like play? And when other people go on an on about how wonderful and amazing it is, you feel a bit guilty that you didn't work HARD enough on it? HARD WORK should be unpleasant, yes? The more you want to run away but stick with it, the more value it has? The amount of blood, sweat, and tears you put into it determines its worth? A project that you worked on for two days straight is inherently better than one that took you 30 minutes?
What would life be like without those beliefs? What would "work" look like if we didn't believe that we HAD to endure a period of intense unpleasantness before we could get to the good stuff? Sometimes it may happen, yes, and maybe the project we put the most blood, sweat, and tears into ends up being our favorite. But it doesn't HAVE to be that way! It could be that the project that just effortlessly flowed from our fingertips ends up being the favorite, and most impactful, and most celebrated. But we likely won't even allow ourselves to see it that way if we keep focusing on work=amount of uncomfortable effort=worth.
I love this quote, and my level of understanding continues to deepen the more I try to live my life by it-
What if my greatest gift to the world, the greatest impact and service and place within humanity is that which comes easiest to me? If I believe that work has to be hard to do any good, I'll likely look elsewhere when choosing my career, to something else that I struggle with more. Or if I do go into the field that comes easiest to me, I will probably undervalue what I do because it is just so much fun. What if we judged our true vocation by how much fun it is? What if the more we enjoyed working on a project the more worth it had?
Oooh, so many "What if. . .?"s! The more I ask the clearer my own path is becoming, the more options and opportunities I see. Yay for getting closer to a life that has new good things without HAVING to have bad things first! Heh, I can feel myself becoming more open to new things in general since loosening the need to have the bad justify the good! Mmmmm, it will be FUN to see where this goes!
Have you ever heard the phrase "Suffering is optional"? Or been told that you can have and create wonderful things without struggling to get them? That life can be all ease and grace even while you're learning new things? That you don't have to work hard for what you want, you just have to allow it?
Those are common themes in self-help materials, especially those focused towards the Law of Attraction and energy/vibration. I've read and heard those types of things for YEARS. And while part of me has said "Oh yes, that makes perfect sense!" another part of me has crossed her arms and said "Bull S#%t".
I've pondered on this many times, this subconscious dedication that I seem to have to suffering. I've felt for a long time that part of me has actually enjoyed the suffering, not because of how it felt but because of what it meant. It meant that I was getting to see how strong I was. It meant that I was learning or growing or developing a lot. It meant that I deserved any help that others might be willing to give me. And it meant that I was REALLY earning any good things that were coming to me after the suffering was over.
Take someone who appears to have easily gotten everything good in their life. More than their peers, even. They just seem to walk through life with gifts laid at their feet. They tend to be the target of resentment and jealousy, snide comments behind their back about how it's not fair how easy life is for them. But people who have suffered or whose good things have come after a horrible event, they are looked upon with love and comfort that at least they got some good after the horrors they endured. At some point I saw these two patterns and subconsciously (or maybe even consciously depending on how old I was) decided that it is safer to get good things AFTER bad things happen.
And really, that message is prevalent in our culture, too. Bad first, then you're allowed to have good. "No pain, no gain". The idea that if you work hard for 12+ years in school, especially if school is hard for you, then at the end you will have earned yourself the ability to have a good life in the "real world" and then you can be happy. The harder you work, the better your reward. I got the message in church that life was meant to be endured, the more you suffered on Earth, the more you would be given in heaven. "Keep your nose to the grindstone". (Can I say ouch?) You have to punish children and make them feel bad about themselves so they will grow into good, kind adults. You must deprive yourself of the things you like to eat so your body can be beautiful.
I was thinking about this the other day, and some phrases came to mind. I used EFT to work through them, and felt much freer afterwards.
-I must always be working hard for good things to happen.
-If I slack off and do something I enjoy then good things won't happen because I haven't worked hard enough.
-If it's fun and easy then you're not doing enough.
-If you're poor and smiling you're not doing enough, only rich people are allowed to be happy.
-Your life has to be struggle, struggle, struggle until you have earned good things and then you can be happy.
-If I want amazing things in my life, I must first go through amazing pain.
So, in a nutshell, everyone has to start out miserable and working hard at whatever it is that someone else says they should be doing, and then eventually, if you toil enough, someone will come along, tap your shoulder and free you from the pain so you can skip off and be happy and free.
Yeah, I realize it may sound crazy, but subconscious beliefs often are! I really enjoy uncovering these beliefs, because it helps me see with greater clarity WHY I often do things that make no logical sense ;), and gives me the opportunity to chose something different. How do I want bad and good to relate to each other? Do I want to struggle before good things can happen? Can I allow good things to happen without being required to get mired in muck first? It also gives me the opportunity to thank a part of me that has been working so very hard for so very long to keep me as safe as possible. Even if I don't like what has happened because it was trying to keep me safe, I can love it and appreciate its hard work. And find a greater capacity for compassion for myself.
Then again, maybe that belief that I picked up wasn't just crazy old me jumping to conclusions. We talk about how we must finish our work before playing, students in school who have demonstrated extra effort may get to take some time to do something fun that others don't get to do, heck, isn't that the whole concept of retirement? Work hard at something that you may or may not enjoy for 40+ years and then you earn the right to do what you want with your time?
So is there a different way? Is there another option? Is it possible that those phrases at the beginning of this blog post could be true? And if so, how would that look?
Do you have anything that comes easy to you, that you love so much that working at it is more like play? And when other people go on an on about how wonderful and amazing it is, you feel a bit guilty that you didn't work HARD enough on it? HARD WORK should be unpleasant, yes? The more you want to run away but stick with it, the more value it has? The amount of blood, sweat, and tears you put into it determines its worth? A project that you worked on for two days straight is inherently better than one that took you 30 minutes?
What would life be like without those beliefs? What would "work" look like if we didn't believe that we HAD to endure a period of intense unpleasantness before we could get to the good stuff? Sometimes it may happen, yes, and maybe the project we put the most blood, sweat, and tears into ends up being our favorite. But it doesn't HAVE to be that way! It could be that the project that just effortlessly flowed from our fingertips ends up being the favorite, and most impactful, and most celebrated. But we likely won't even allow ourselves to see it that way if we keep focusing on work=amount of uncomfortable effort=worth.
I love this quote, and my level of understanding continues to deepen the more I try to live my life by it-
“Instead of wondering when your next vacation is, maybe you should set up a life you don't need to escape from.”
- Seth Godin
What if my greatest gift to the world, the greatest impact and service and place within humanity is that which comes easiest to me? If I believe that work has to be hard to do any good, I'll likely look elsewhere when choosing my career, to something else that I struggle with more. Or if I do go into the field that comes easiest to me, I will probably undervalue what I do because it is just so much fun. What if we judged our true vocation by how much fun it is? What if the more we enjoyed working on a project the more worth it had?
Oooh, so many "What if. . .?"s! The more I ask the clearer my own path is becoming, the more options and opportunities I see. Yay for getting closer to a life that has new good things without HAVING to have bad things first! Heh, I can feel myself becoming more open to new things in general since loosening the need to have the bad justify the good! Mmmmm, it will be FUN to see where this goes!
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