I don't know if it helps you, but it helps me to know that I am exactly where I
should be right now, even if that "where I am" is a place of intense pain.
There is a lot of shifting going on in the world right now, lots of releasing,
lots of REALLY REALLY deep "stuff" coming up. It's not that there is anything
wrong with you that is causing you to feel this way, it's just that right now is
the perfect time for you to experience it. A few weeks ago I was feeling such
huge, vast guilt, for days on end. I was doing a pretty good job of feeling my
way through it, actually, but it got to be so intense that I was led to
journaling, and then tapping. The the last paragraph that I wrote was-
"I am freaking out about being "responsible", with "responsible" meaning they're
completely dependent on me and any bad that happens to them is my fault and I
need to be punished for it. I am terrified of being responsible but at the same
time feel like I completely am. *I am responsible for all of the pain and
suffering in the world, and because of the horrible things I've caused, I no
longer matter or are worthy of anything.* Hmm, think I need to sit/tap on that
one."
So I did, and huge feelings swept over me, and I was treated to kind of a movie
of images of past circumstances that were similar to what I was feeling now, and
eventually an image of Eve popped up (as in the wife of Adam). So I found an
image to focus on as I tapped
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Masaccio_Adam_and_Eve_detail.jpg
and kept going. And it occurred to me that what I was experiencing, what I was working
on releasing was original guilt. I mean, if Eve was responsible for original
sin, don't you think there was some guilt there? Which is funny because I don't
really believe that there were an actual Adam and Eve, but it's another story,
you know? A huge, powerful story that we have stored in our DNA. And as I
continued to tap the guilt loosened up. I don't think it's completely gone,
it's resolved at the level that I am capable of/ready for/need to be at the
moment. But for right now that's perfect.
<<<
Parasites have been coming up big time for me lately. First crazy amounts of
ticks, then fleas, then worms, then chiggers, then other people talking about
the worms they've found in themselves and/or their children, then giardia. . .
And I'm going What the HECK is bringing this up?!?! And then it finally hit me
the other night- I am a victim of the world. I am a victim of my circumstances.
There is always someone out there trying to bring me down. Oooh, BIG. I mean,
mentally I know that's not true. I've listened to enough and read enough that i
know I am in charge of my response to the world and all, I am the creator of my
experience, blah blah blah. But apparently part of me is still ABSOLUTELY SURE
that I am a victim. That it is safer to be a victim. A victim gets to blame
others. A victim gets to push that responsibility for ruining the world on
others. A victim gets to step back into the shadows while someone else gets
punished.
I tapped on it a bit, and just in case it will help you this is roughly what I
said-
Even though I am a victim of the world, I (am open to the possibility that I
can) deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though the world is out to get me and I am never safe, I (am willing to be
able to) unconditionally love, accept, and forgive all I am and all that is.
Even though it is safer to be the victim and let someone else take the fall, I
am open to seeing the truth of the situation and my own brilliance. I release
all ties to being the victim. No one can hurt me.
And then did whatever reminder phrase on each point that felt right, I started
w/ "I am a victim of the world" and just changed it as the thoughts that came up
changed- It is safer to be the victim. It is more fun to be the victim. I
prefer to be the victim. I WANT to be the victim. The story is better when
you're the victim. etc
And you know, the funny part is, I was sitting there tapping on my freshly made
bed with my clean sheets that I accidentally dyed this really pretty blue, that
right before I started tapping I was just SO appreciating my comfortable bed and
how good it felt. And as I'm tapping I heard my son wake up crying in pain
(he's been sick, which has contained some awesome growth/releasing experiences
as well) so I went in to his room and he asked me to lay with him so I did, and
I may have continued the tapping a bit, but then I drifted off, and woke up many
times to his position changes/needing things. And I tried sneaking away to my
nice comfortable bed a couple times and he kept waking up, and then my youngest
started crying that she needed milkies, so I went in to her bed (thankfully my
son stayed asleep) and I'm fighting sleep because I just really want to get back
into my own bed and I'm so uncomfortable and I'm not sleeping well and I'm so
tired, and then I'm asleep and my son comes in so I go back to his bed and I'm
grumbling about how it's not fair and then I'm like HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! Look at
me playing the victim!!! LOL!! Had a good (quiet internal) laugh about that
one. And then I decided to be comfortable where I was. And had an "AHA!" that
all of my doubts, all of my criticisms, all of my holding my energy back because
it might not be right, THOSE are how I parasite-ize MYSELF! I suck away my OWN
energy, I eat away at myself. Only real confidence in myself and why I came
here and my gifts and TRUST in my own divinity and place and experience and
timing will keep me from doing it to myself. I am a super awesome golden light
being! And so are you! SERIOUSLY!!!!
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