Sunday, July 24, 2011

What's eating away at me?

My pondering around parasites has continued. ;) I have given our cats the proper medicine, taken measures to control the infestation, but still there are fleas and worms. And when that happens, when I have taken the "Appropriate action" but the problem continues, I know that there is more for me to get out of the situation, it has something more to tell me, part of me still needs the situation to continue to bring about shifting and releasing and change. (Kinda *Darn*! 'cause I thought I had it all figured out, right? ;) )

As I was reading my facebook newsfeed the other night, I read a few headlines a friend had posted about extreme child neglect/abuse and I felt the familiar gnawing away at the center of my chest/the bottom of my heart. Oh my heart ached for those children, my mind went to what they must have felt, how much pain they must have been in. And as the night went on, it continued to "eat away at me". Ooh, huh. *Ding Ding Ding* When I allow something I have no control over to eat at me like that, I'm doing it again. Creating, inviting in, feeding my own parasites.

But then, really, what am I supposed to do when I hear stories like that? I've tried just NOT hearing them, which has helped. I pretty much get my only "news" from people I know, trusting that whatever I need to know will be brought to my attention. That has helped me become much more peaceful and focused on what I CAN control, which is myself and my own life and my participation in/reaction to those in my immediate relationships.

NOT feeling my heart break at the sadness and pain of others makes me heartless though, right? Being a "good" person involves caring so deeply that I try to feel/take away another person's pain for them. (Except for the fact that no one can ever work through/release anyone's pain but their own, but whatever. ;) ) But to have someone tell you their sad, painful story, look them in the eye, give them a hug, and say "Sorry about your luck" then walk away and leave them with their pain seems awfully cruel. . . So how on earth can I deeply care for someone and their pain and NOT take it on as my own?!?!?

I know of the happenings in Norway because I am in a group (though to just call it a group feels like a complete understatement of all it is, but I'll leave it at that for now) in which two of the blessed souls are from Norway, one who was very close to the bombing when it happened. And to read their words of love and hope in the midst of everything started some shifting. And then a big AHA! when a quote from a survivor was posted- "If one man can show that much hate, imagine how much love we all can show together." And that's it, really. Seems like a bit of a duh now, but that's it. When exposed to terrible, painful, unimaginable things, immersing myself in how they "must have felt" is not the only option. There is enough pain of that kind already in the world and adding my feeling of it does not help those who are already in it. The other option is to find the love at the core of myself, immerse myself in that amazing love, and hold myself and all involved in that tender, nourishing, supporting, transforming love-light. Love will bring more help to the situation that thousands of souls feeling the "pain they must have felt". We tell kids "two wrongs do not make a right" and yet that's what we do- when someone is in pain we try to empathize with their pain and then. . . what? You have two people in pain. Or depending on how publicized the story is, we may have thousands, even millions of people in pain. So we went from possibly just a few people in pain to millions. How does this help anyone?

So right now, I am going to, well, first finish typing and post this. ;) And then I will sit and find that endlessly deep well of love within me, and I will direct it to those children from the other night, and their parents, because to inflict that much pain on a child an adult must already be carrying around incredible pain. And I will direct it towards Norway. And I will direct it towards myself, into those places that still ache with pain. And next time I feel that familiar gnawing at the bottom of my heart, it is my intention that I will quickly recognize what is going on, and I will wash both my heart and the cause of the gnawing with pulsating, healing, nourishing love-light. Would you consider doing the same? Our world has enough pain, we need all the love we can discover! And OH! The love within us is so immensely vast! We just have to find it and choose to BE it. <3

Thursday, July 21, 2011

On Guilt and Parasites

This is part of something I posted on a yahoo group a bit ago, and it's feeling like it needs to be shared here too. :)

I don't know if it helps you, but it helps me to know that I am exactly where I
should be right now, even if that "where I am" is a place of intense pain.
There is a lot of shifting going on in the world right now, lots of releasing,
lots of REALLY REALLY deep "stuff" coming up. It's not that there is anything
wrong with you that is causing you to feel this way, it's just that right now is
the perfect time for you to experience it. A few weeks ago I was feeling such
huge, vast guilt, for days on end. I was doing a pretty good job of feeling my
way through it, actually, but it got to be so intense that I was led to
journaling, and then tapping. The the last paragraph that I wrote was-
"I am freaking out about being "responsible", with "responsible" meaning they're
completely dependent on me and any bad that happens to them is my fault and I
need to be punished for it. I am terrified of being responsible but at the same
time feel like I completely am. *I am responsible for all of the pain and
suffering in the world, and because of the horrible things I've caused, I no
longer matter or are worthy of anything.* Hmm, think I need to sit/tap on that

So I did, and huge feelings swept over me, and I was treated to kind of a movie
of images of past circumstances that were similar to what I was feeling now, and
eventually an image of Eve popped up (as in the wife of Adam). So I found an
image to focus on as I tapped

and kept going. And it occurred to me that what I was experiencing, what I was working
on releasing was original guilt. I mean, if Eve was responsible for original
sin, don't you think there was some guilt there? Which is funny because I don't
really believe that there were an actual Adam and Eve, but it's another story,
you know? A huge, powerful story that we have stored in our DNA. And as I
continued to tap the guilt loosened up. I don't think it's completely gone,
it's resolved at the level that I am capable of/ready for/need to be at the
moment. But for right now that's perfect.


Parasites have been coming up big time for me lately. First crazy amounts of
ticks, then fleas, then worms, then chiggers, then other people talking about
the worms they've found in themselves and/or their children, then giardia. . .
And I'm going What the HECK is bringing this up?!?! And then it finally hit me
the other night- I am a victim of the world. I am a victim of my circumstances.
There is always someone out there trying to bring me down. Oooh, BIG. I mean,
mentally I know that's not true. I've listened to enough and read enough that i
know I am in charge of my response to the world and all, I am the creator of my
experience, blah blah blah. But apparently part of me is still ABSOLUTELY SURE
that I am a victim. That it is safer to be a victim. A victim gets to blame
others. A victim gets to push that responsibility for ruining the world on
others. A victim gets to step back into the shadows while someone else gets

I tapped on it a bit, and just in case it will help you this is roughly what I
Even though I am a victim of the world, I (am open to the possibility that I
can) deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though the world is out to get me and I am never safe, I (am willing to be
able to) unconditionally love, accept, and forgive all I am and all that is.
Even though it is safer to be the victim and let someone else take the fall, I
am open to seeing the truth of the situation and my own brilliance. I release
all ties to being the victim. No one can hurt me.
And then did whatever reminder phrase on each point that felt right, I started
w/ "I am a victim of the world" and just changed it as the thoughts that came up
changed- It is safer to be the victim. It is more fun to be the victim. I
prefer to be the victim. I WANT to be the victim. The story is better when
you're the victim. etc

And you know, the funny part is, I was sitting there tapping on my freshly made
bed with my clean sheets that I accidentally dyed this really pretty blue, that
right before I started tapping I was just SO appreciating my comfortable bed and
how good it felt. And as I'm tapping I heard my son wake up crying in pain
(he's been sick, which has contained some awesome growth/releasing experiences
as well) so I went in to his room and he asked me to lay with him so I did, and
I may have continued the tapping a bit, but then I drifted off, and woke up many
times to his position changes/needing things. And I tried sneaking away to my
nice comfortable bed a couple times and he kept waking up, and then my youngest
started crying that she needed milkies, so I went in to her bed (thankfully my
son stayed asleep) and I'm fighting sleep because I just really want to get back
into my own bed and I'm so uncomfortable and I'm not sleeping well and I'm so
tired, and then I'm asleep and my son comes in so I go back to his bed and I'm
grumbling about how it's not fair and then I'm like HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! Look at
me playing the victim!!! LOL!! Had a good (quiet internal) laugh about that
one. And then I decided to be comfortable where I was. And had an "AHA!" that
all of my doubts, all of my criticisms, all of my holding my energy back because
it might not be right, THOSE are how I parasite-ize MYSELF! I suck away my OWN
energy, I eat away at myself. Only real confidence in myself and why I came
here and my gifts and TRUST in my own divinity and place and experience and
timing will keep me from doing it to myself. I am a super awesome golden light
being! And so are you! SERIOUSLY!!!!