Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Why I Can't Cry

So the other night after I posted that I Can't Cry I felt a noticeable shift.  My tears didn't seem quite so blocked and that was a really interesting feeling to have!  I watched the movie that I hoped would help me cry, and it did to a degree.  And then, even though it was really, really late and I had big things the next day and I could come up with tons of reasons why not- I got out my paper and I painted.  Which is big because I hadn't painted in a long time.  And what was even bigger was that I finished the painting which has not been my norm lately!

I have been playing around with doing intuitive message paintings for maybe close to a year now.  I figure out what question I want answered, or what I want support around, or what I want the painting to illustrate, and I come up with a question to be answered by the painting.  I also have a piece of paper nearby to jot down any messages that I hear coming through to answer the question.  Then I get in a meditative state and ask the question over and over again with my breath.  I often write down the message first, and then move to the painting.  I never know what it is going to look like when I start.  Sometimes I have a bit of an inkling, but often I don't.  I just follow as I feel led- put red paint here, green dots there, yellow swirls here.  And when the directions stop, the painting is finished.  It's really fun to paint this way, and I have been completely blown away by the answers and images that come through, especially when the focus is on a question for someone else.  I'm amazed at the messages that are NOT what my mind would have chosen that end up being completely accurate or perfectly what the other person needs to hear.

So that night I decided to ask a question about my crying, or lack thereof.  I asked "Why can't I cry?" and this is the answer that came through-

Tears were the easy way to let it through, back when you had no other way to communicate.  But now you do and it's important to let it through in a way that communicates your awareness of it to help others become aware as well.  Crying was dumping it so you could move on, get back to life as usual.  Painting and writing are letting it through in a way that helps you and others, and the world, and consciousness to grow.  Each release in the form of communication is a leveling up instead of a release through tears being simply a crisis intervention, a pressure relief valve to allow things to continue as they were.  It is a gift.

A huge weight was lifted once I got that message and finished the painting.  And I'm amazed to say that my tears have been flowing easier than ever.  Especially when I take the time to write or paint or share my awareness with someone else.  It can be so hard to talk about your experience of life when it's far from the one you're "supposed" to be having. It can be so hard to talk about feelings with other people, especially when you're always "too sensitive" about everything.  I had come to believe some time ago that my sensitivity is a big part of my gift, of my reason for being here.  But I can't say that there hasn't been a part of me that would have been more than happy to dump it for a more "normal" experience of the world. Oh how much easier life would be, right?  Except I don't tend to pick easy things, I tend to go for the challenges so it makes sense that I would have picked a life with them.  Especially challenges that could potentially have a big payoff in the form of helping others be more at peace with themselves and their feelings and beings.  I have experienced before that when I am honest about my experience it can really help others find peace with their own.  I can see now that it may help me just as much as it helps them. 

Thank you tears for refusing to flow until I could understand that. I am so grateful that you stood firm even while I tried my hardest to get you to flow.  I am sorry I thought something was wrong with you.

Love and hugs to all of you out there reading this.  Thank you for helping me, and I hope I am able to help you just as much.  <3