Having a Purpose

This post is a few months in the making. :) It was set in motion by a call I got from a lovely friend, who wanted to talk about a behavior her son frequently exhibits. He is autistic and seems to really enjoy shredding leaves. I didn't hear the phone ring, though, and she left a wonderful message, and at the end of the message she said that she just wanted to know that the leaf shredding had a purpose, but then she paused and questioned why she needed that. And at that moment I felt a zing. Both for her and for me, because feeling through that zing brought me to the realization that "lack of purpose" has been holding me back a lot in my life! That before I do anything, it needs to have a purpose. Or at least a purpose that others will recognize/accept so they won't accuse me of wasting my time. So many times I've had these strokes of inspiration about things I could create, but stop because they have no "purpose" (that I know of), no "acceptable outcome" other than the experience of creating, so I'll go into thinking how I can turn them into a product to be sold, and then I get overwhelmed by the whole selling aspect so I stop and never do anything. There are so many things that I feel so strongly in my heart that I need to do, that I need to create, but because the direction is coming from my heart (which speaks in feelings) and not my head (which speaks in words), if someone asks me WHY I am going to do or am doing something, I just have nothing to say. Which, as you can imagine, tends to go over real well with most parents and teachers. It isn't until recently that I've been feeling that it's okay to say "Because I feel like I need to", and most of the time I'm not even brave enough to say that. So I have a glorious, amazing feeling that is directing me towards something, and then I try to come up with justification that my head will accept, and I can't, so I do nothing. I just spin around and around and accomplish nothing other than suppressing what is trying to come through me and sticking with doing the "acceptable" things, like housework and cooking and doing things with my kids. Because, after all, I can't justify doing things that I WANT to do, that have no "value" when there are responsibilities to be done! But by the time I've finished those responsibilities, I have nothing left to create with. And then I start the next day over again at the same place, but feeling a bit more defeated every day.

So I was slowly feeling through this, paying attention to the ways in which I let a lack of purpose that others will understand stop me, when I was directed to a blog post by The Organic Sister entitled "Why Am I Choosing "Productive" over Actually Producing?" http://theorganicsister.com/productive-or-producing/ And WOW, there it was!

"Is this:

1. Feeding my soul,
2. Feeding my greater vision and purpose in this world, or
3. Feeding the souls of others?"

THAT'S the purpose that most matters. Not money, not power, not "looking good", not the "purposes" I THOUGHT I needed to assign to these urgings of my heart to make them okay. The purpose that matters most is being in the light, in the love, that allows me to feed my own SOUL, and if it feeds my soul, most likely it also feeds the souls of others, if only from the permission that comes from seeing someone else do for their own self what your heart yearns for you to do for yourself. And if just DOING what my heart urges, without knowing what will come out of it or if it will accomplish anything "worthwhile", if DOING it feeds my soul, then that's all I need to know! That's a purpose in and of itself!

And then I felt that tug again. My heart was communicating to me in sparks and swirls of joy. "How lovely to have those words as a reminder, right where you can see them. Go paint." And for just a second I stopped and looked at the dishes that needed to be done, the laundry that needed to be switched, the fact that I WAS about to go call my niece and wish her happy birthday. And then I took a deep breath and got out some paper, and my paints, and a jar full of water.

And an absolutely wonderful thing happened. I didn't like it, lol. It was too small, some of the letters bled together. . . it was nice, and it felt wonderful to paint it, but I WANTED to try again. And yes, that may not sound like a big deal, but it's been a big thing holding me back. What if I mess up and it looks awful? What if I waste materials and time and don't even like it? And I WANTED to try again, but not because of any judgements about how it wasn't good enough- I learned that I need to space my letters, and that I didn't like that background and that I wanted it bigger. It wasn't wasting at all, I learned through the experience of creating, and those materials were integral to the process of learning. :) I WANTED to try again, but not because anyone outside of me TOLD me I should (in fact my girls were oohing and aahing over it.) So I did try again, and this time I loved it. So I scanned it, and then I put it in a frame and sat it on the island in my kitchen.



This COULD be the end of this particular story, but in fact there is more. After I read the blog post, I commented on The Organic Sister's facebook page about how much I loved the post and how it encouraged me to birth the beautiful things that were trying to come through me. And she replied back that she hoped I'd share what I'd been birthing. Yes, zing again! So, after I scanned the painting, I sent Tara an email with the painting attached. And she replied back with lovely, positive words, and asked if she could share it on her facebook page with a link to my blog or something. Wow. I said yes, but could she wait until I blogged about it, because I really wanted to share the process that led to it's creation? She said yes.

So, you'd think I'd get right on that, wouldn't you? My stomach was all butterflies, I felt warm and loved. I reached out and did something outside of my comfort zone (shared a part of me with someone Important! and Famous! and much bigger than I have allowed myself to be!) and it went really, really well!

Well, if you look at the date on her post, and the date of this post, you can easily see that much time has passed. Being one who enjoys pondering (have you noticed that? lol) I sat with "Isn't it interesting, how I have been unable to blog about this and get back to her?" And one of the fears that came up that I was very aware of was that if I DID get back to her, then more people would be directed here. Which was scary because I've really been operating under the assumption (hope!) that very few people actually read my words. Which is kind of silly, I know. Why have a blog that you hope no one reads? But it felt safer that the only people who read here are people who know and love me already, so they will be more gentle and caring with any comments they may leave. It felt safer to be small.

The biggest thing I noticed from my pondering is that this has been a pattern in my life. I'll learn or do something awesome, stretch my experience boundaries a lot, people will respond positively, and then I'll go into hiding for awhile. I recognize now that, for me, doing this awesome thing outside of my comfort zone feels like being so filled with joy that I just run and run, feeling the wind blowing through my hair, feeling free and powerful, and I burst through some veil or curtain out to where people can see and there is applause and then I realize "HOLY CRAP I'm standing on thin air!!!" and my legs and arms are spinning in the air like a Loony Toons character, and I manage to get back behind the curtain and stay there for awhile, panting and shaking, eyes huge and panicked. Until finally I calm down and remember just how wonderful it felt out there, and decide to take a peek, and maybe try to edge down the cliff to that new place waiting out there.

Well, this time, after pondering and realizing what was going on, I have decided to run through the curtains and jump. I'm not sure what that will look like exactly, but I am ready to go. I am ready to play big. I am ready to be powerful. And I trust that, even when it is not comfortable, it will be exactly what I need. I am ready to live my truth and live it out loud. Wooooooo. Feels kind of breezy and teetery up here. But I am ready. So here I go. Anyone want to come with me?

Three. . .

Two. . .

One. . . .

WAAAAAAAAAA HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! :D

The One In Which I Share Some Paintings

Getting to the point where I'm ready to share some of my paintings here has been a journey, one I'm still walking. :) Being afraid to put them, MYSELF, out there, possibly get negative feedback, possibly have people make assumptions about me, heck, even have positive feedback in which people say they want to buy a print (which has happened! And was both exhilarating and terrifying!). . . so much possibility, change, growth, and even more simmering there under the surface. . . Well, with some recent events I have finally realized, WHAT THE HECK AM I WAITING FOR?!?!?! Our time here is finite, how awful would it be to die and not even achieve my soul's purpose because I was too afraid to even start heading in that direction?

I have noticed, recently, this undercurrent of "I'm not old enough to do anything important". Wow. Working through that. It especially came clear when I heard on the radio that Pink is only one month older than me. WHY exactly is it that I'm not old enough? And how old IS old enough anyway? Crazy thoughts just trying to do their best to protect me, lol. :)

So anyway, here are a few that I have on this computer. I have more that I got scanned at Kinko's but require some photoshop work and since it's nearly 3 am I'm just going with these. :)



Consuming Fire

Yup, that's me in the middle of a fire being chased by a dog and crocodile. It's what came out one day when trying to paint while my kids were closing in around me and needing every last thing. Ahem.





Trapped





Rainbow Connection

There for awhile the song "Rainbow Connection" was stuck in my head big time. But thankfully Kermit is such a wonderful singer that it was nice. :) This painting came of that, and after I let it out, the song wasn't stuck in my head anymore! I may have to try that again, although I'm kind of afraid to find out what an "I Smell Sex and Candy" painting might look like. . .




Be Here Now

I painted this as a reminder to myself because, well, I need the reminder! I just love it too, the colors, the splashes, everything. :)

So those are a few, and sometime I'll share some more. :)

Hiding Behing My Kids

I've noticed how I do this recently. The big lightbulb moment came when I was thinking how we should get involved in our community more, and the idea of delivering Meals on Wheels popped into my head. My kids LOVE to talk, and have no idea that they shouldn't be friends with adults, so I thought it could be right up their alley. Lonely older person + cute kids who love to talk + food delivery= fun for everyone and brownie points for "doing good", right? Heh. It hit me that *I* was nowhere in the equation besides driving said children and food, and prepping it once we got to the house, if it needed to be. Deep deep down, I noticed a glimmer of fear about talking to people that we would be "helping". Afraid of interacting on a meaningful level, of truly looking them in the eye and "seeing" them. That's what my kids would be there for, to shield me from having to truly "be there" with the other person. Ouch.

Yeah, I've used them as a way to avoid having the possibility of opening up to others. It's easy when you get distracted and interrupted multiple times per conversation. Or when your kids are so busy you have to be right by their sides the whole time. Like when they were younger at the park. Yes, young kids need adults to be WITH them at the park, to pay attention to them and interact with them. But I can see how I also used that "needing to focus completely on my child/children, which is what GOOD parents do" as a way to NOT interact with the adults that were also there. If I keep my eyes constantly on my children I can't see the eyes of the other people around me. I was protecting myself from the possibility of communicating with other people by being hyper focused on my kids.

I also use them to protect me from the dangers of being early. ;) I don't know what it is, it's something I've explored but have yet to get to the bottom of, but I have this huge fear of being early. Exactly on time is kind of okay, late is better. I don't know why, it just is. I also have a lot of reluctance about getting going places. So I'll say "You have five minutes before we walk out the door!" but be completely unprepared myself. I'll go back to checking my email or something else unimportant that, truthfully, I'm just using as a stalling tactic to actually getting moving. And then we'll have one minute before we need to leave and I'll speed through everything I need to do to get going, rushing because "We need to leave, we're going to be late!" and it will be one minute past when we needed to be on the road and I'll tell them to get in the van, but no one has shoes on, or someone needs to go potty, or a crucial mission must be completed. So we find the shoes and the bladder is empty and the mission is won and we are now 10 minutes late (or more) and as we rush into wherever we're supposed to be I can say "Ugh! Potty emergencies at the last moment! Sorry!" and the blame is off of me and onto them. Ick. And that little part of me has a smug smile because it got what it wanted (the safety of being late) AND the focus got taken off of me and my incompetence! But oh, I don't JUST use them as a way out of interacting with others, or of avoiding blame.

It's interesting how, in some ways, I've used them as my excuse for not being with myself. No time to do what I want, I have three kids to take care of! Except sometimes there will be time when no one needs me, everyone is happily engaged in something, and I'll sit there staring at the computer. Or starting a chore that could probably wait, procrastinating what my heart is telling me it really wants to be doing- painting, or reading something meaningful, or meditating, or, or, or. And then I FINALLY get the nerve to start moving towards this thing that would feed ME, and immediately there is an emergency or a fight or someone needs assistance in the bathroom. And then I get all frustrated and start with the "I can never do what I want because they won't let me!", but there is a little part of me going "Whew! Dodged that one, didn't we!" That's the part that's afraid of doing what I want to do (Life is hard, you don't get to do everything (or anything) you want to do, that's selfish) that believes I'm not worthy (Look at everything that you need to do! You have not earned nurturing yourself you lazy scum!) that feels that *I* am dangerous and should stay away from myself because, after all, I just do everything wrong and I am not who I "should" be to be a good, acceptable, worthy person. *I* am despicable and dirty and disgusting and should stay as far away from myself as possible and become just the opposite of what I am. So these quiet, sharp, very persuasive voices stop me in my tracks, and then I blame my kids for them. The majority of the time, it's not my KIDS who won't let me do what I want to do, I'm stopping MYSELF from doing what I want to do.

It's been kind of fun just noticing when that happens. I don't even necessarily have to do anything about it, just see that it's there, notice with love how part of me is trying SO hard to protect me from myself. How sweet. :) Sometimes I get a good giggle about it. When I find myself struggling during my day to take care of them so I can do something *I* want, and it just keeps not working, it's helpful (when I remember) to ask "Do I REALLY want to do this thing? What is it that's holding me back?" and listen, and see, and accept. When something is going on on the outside and I'm really struggling with it, it normally indicates a struggle I'm having on the inside, that the outside experience arose because of the inside conflict. That doesn't mean I'm bad or lazy or "should just get off my butt and do it already!" Adding judgement to the mix doesn't help in the slightest. There's enough of that already going on- that's what's holding me back! What helps the most is noticing with love, seeing it there, and working with or around it. But I have to see it's there first, inside ME, not caused by my kids. Which, ultimately, is good, since the only person I truly can control is my own self!

Fun little voices they are sometimes, when I shine on them with love and the fear disappears. :) And then I can take responsibility for me and be more that "just a mom". When I notice the resistances to stepping into "Who I Really Am" instead of the roles I play, I also step into my own power and things get really fun! For all of us, my kids included. Because when I have the courage to be who I am, it makes it easier for them to stay who they really are too. Which is great because they are awesome people in little bodies! <3

What's eating away at me?

My pondering around parasites has continued. ;) I have given our cats the proper medicine, taken measures to control the infestation, but still there are fleas and worms. And when that happens, when I have taken the "Appropriate action" but the problem continues, I know that there is more for me to get out of the situation, it has something more to tell me, part of me still needs the situation to continue to bring about shifting and releasing and change. (Kinda *Darn*! 'cause I thought I had it all figured out, right? ;) )

As I was reading my facebook newsfeed the other night, I read a few headlines a friend had posted about extreme child neglect/abuse and I felt the familiar gnawing away at the center of my chest/the bottom of my heart. Oh my heart ached for those children, my mind went to what they must have felt, how much pain they must have been in. And as the night went on, it continued to "eat away at me". Ooh, huh. *Ding Ding Ding* When I allow something I have no control over to eat at me like that, I'm doing it again. Creating, inviting in, feeding my own parasites.

But then, really, what am I supposed to do when I hear stories like that? I've tried just NOT hearing them, which has helped. I pretty much get my only "news" from people I know, trusting that whatever I need to know will be brought to my attention. That has helped me become much more peaceful and focused on what I CAN control, which is myself and my own life and my participation in/reaction to those in my immediate relationships.

NOT feeling my heart break at the sadness and pain of others makes me heartless though, right? Being a "good" person involves caring so deeply that I try to feel/take away another person's pain for them. (Except for the fact that no one can ever work through/release anyone's pain but their own, but whatever. ;) ) But to have someone tell you their sad, painful story, look them in the eye, give them a hug, and say "Sorry about your luck" then walk away and leave them with their pain seems awfully cruel. . . So how on earth can I deeply care for someone and their pain and NOT take it on as my own?!?!?

I know of the happenings in Norway because I am in a group (though to just call it a group feels like a complete understatement of all it is, but I'll leave it at that for now) in which two of the blessed souls are from Norway, one who was very close to the bombing when it happened. And to read their words of love and hope in the midst of everything started some shifting. And then a big AHA! when a quote from a survivor was posted- "If one man can show that much hate, imagine how much love we all can show together." And that's it, really. Seems like a bit of a duh now, but that's it. When exposed to terrible, painful, unimaginable things, immersing myself in how they "must have felt" is not the only option. There is enough pain of that kind already in the world and adding my feeling of it does not help those who are already in it. The other option is to find the love at the core of myself, immerse myself in that amazing love, and hold myself and all involved in that tender, nourishing, supporting, transforming love-light. Love will bring more help to the situation that thousands of souls feeling the "pain they must have felt". We tell kids "two wrongs do not make a right" and yet that's what we do- when someone is in pain we try to empathize with their pain and then. . . what? You have two people in pain. Or depending on how publicized the story is, we may have thousands, even millions of people in pain. So we went from possibly just a few people in pain to millions. How does this help anyone?

So right now, I am going to, well, first finish typing and post this. ;) And then I will sit and find that endlessly deep well of love within me, and I will direct it to those children from the other night, and their parents, because to inflict that much pain on a child an adult must already be carrying around incredible pain. And I will direct it towards Norway. And I will direct it towards myself, into those places that still ache with pain. And next time I feel that familiar gnawing at the bottom of my heart, it is my intention that I will quickly recognize what is going on, and I will wash both my heart and the cause of the gnawing with pulsating, healing, nourishing love-light. Would you consider doing the same? Our world has enough pain, we need all the love we can discover! And OH! The love within us is so immensely vast! We just have to find it and choose to BE it. <3

On Guilt and Parasites

This is part of something I posted on a yahoo group a bit ago, and it's feeling like it needs to be shared here too. :)

I don't know if it helps you, but it helps me to know that I am exactly where I
should be right now, even if that "where I am" is a place of intense pain.
There is a lot of shifting going on in the world right now, lots of releasing,
lots of REALLY REALLY deep "stuff" coming up. It's not that there is anything
wrong with you that is causing you to feel this way, it's just that right now is
the perfect time for you to experience it. A few weeks ago I was feeling such
huge, vast guilt, for days on end. I was doing a pretty good job of feeling my
way through it, actually, but it got to be so intense that I was led to
journaling, and then tapping. The the last paragraph that I wrote was-
"I am freaking out about being "responsible", with "responsible" meaning they're
completely dependent on me and any bad that happens to them is my fault and I
need to be punished for it. I am terrified of being responsible but at the same
time feel like I completely am. *I am responsible for all of the pain and
suffering in the world, and because of the horrible things I've caused, I no
longer matter or are worthy of anything.* Hmm, think I need to sit/tap on that
one."

So I did, and huge feelings swept over me, and I was treated to kind of a movie
of images of past circumstances that were similar to what I was feeling now, and
eventually an image of Eve popped up (as in the wife of Adam). So I found an
image to focus on as I tapped


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Masaccio_Adam_and_Eve_detail.jpg

and kept going. And it occurred to me that what I was experiencing, what I was working
on releasing was original guilt. I mean, if Eve was responsible for original
sin, don't you think there was some guilt there? Which is funny because I don't
really believe that there were an actual Adam and Eve, but it's another story,
you know? A huge, powerful story that we have stored in our DNA. And as I
continued to tap the guilt loosened up. I don't think it's completely gone,
it's resolved at the level that I am capable of/ready for/need to be at the
moment. But for right now that's perfect.

<<<>>>

Parasites have been coming up big time for me lately. First crazy amounts of
ticks, then fleas, then worms, then chiggers, then other people talking about
the worms they've found in themselves and/or their children, then giardia. . .
And I'm going What the HECK is bringing this up?!?! And then it finally hit me
the other night- I am a victim of the world. I am a victim of my circumstances.
There is always someone out there trying to bring me down. Oooh, BIG. I mean,
mentally I know that's not true. I've listened to enough and read enough that i
know I am in charge of my response to the world and all, I am the creator of my
experience, blah blah blah. But apparently part of me is still ABSOLUTELY SURE
that I am a victim. That it is safer to be a victim. A victim gets to blame
others. A victim gets to push that responsibility for ruining the world on
others. A victim gets to step back into the shadows while someone else gets
punished.

I tapped on it a bit, and just in case it will help you this is roughly what I
said-
Even though I am a victim of the world, I (am open to the possibility that I
can) deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though the world is out to get me and I am never safe, I (am willing to be
able to) unconditionally love, accept, and forgive all I am and all that is.
Even though it is safer to be the victim and let someone else take the fall, I
am open to seeing the truth of the situation and my own brilliance. I release
all ties to being the victim. No one can hurt me.
And then did whatever reminder phrase on each point that felt right, I started
w/ "I am a victim of the world" and just changed it as the thoughts that came up
changed- It is safer to be the victim. It is more fun to be the victim. I
prefer to be the victim. I WANT to be the victim. The story is better when
you're the victim. etc

And you know, the funny part is, I was sitting there tapping on my freshly made
bed with my clean sheets that I accidentally dyed this really pretty blue, that
right before I started tapping I was just SO appreciating my comfortable bed and
how good it felt. And as I'm tapping I heard my son wake up crying in pain
(he's been sick, which has contained some awesome growth/releasing experiences
as well) so I went in to his room and he asked me to lay with him so I did, and
I may have continued the tapping a bit, but then I drifted off, and woke up many
times to his position changes/needing things. And I tried sneaking away to my
nice comfortable bed a couple times and he kept waking up, and then my youngest
started crying that she needed milkies, so I went in to her bed (thankfully my
son stayed asleep) and I'm fighting sleep because I just really want to get back
into my own bed and I'm so uncomfortable and I'm not sleeping well and I'm so
tired, and then I'm asleep and my son comes in so I go back to his bed and I'm
grumbling about how it's not fair and then I'm like HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! Look at
me playing the victim!!! LOL!! Had a good (quiet internal) laugh about that
one. And then I decided to be comfortable where I was. And had an "AHA!" that
all of my doubts, all of my criticisms, all of my holding my energy back because
it might not be right, THOSE are how I parasite-ize MYSELF! I suck away my OWN
energy, I eat away at myself. Only real confidence in myself and why I came
here and my gifts and TRUST in my own divinity and place and experience and
timing will keep me from doing it to myself. I am a super awesome golden light
being! And so are you! SERIOUSLY!!!!

I Quit!

I've been running into this feeling of wanting to quit a lot lately. Mostly because, I think, I'm completely overwhelmed about some things that I just haven't been able to find my way through yet. And, of course, it's all a mirror for other, earlier times when I've just wanted to quit. So last night I decided to do some tapping and see where it took me. Deep into the "I quit, I'm done playing your games, I don't care if I get your approval or not, I'm done!" *stick out tongue* And I realized, when I've gotten to this point before, I've never really ACTUALLY quit! I haven't loosened the snares, stepped out, and released all ties to whatever I was engulfed in. What I had really done was frozen and refused to make a decision, hoping that the other person/entity/whatever would see my complete and utter frustration and meet ME where I was with compassion. Whoa! So really, I had used this "I quit" as a way of attempting to diffuse the situation and hopefully get the other to make some kind of action since I was so full of fear/hurt/overwhelm that I couldn't.

An example of this is I'm told that I used to hold my breath until I turned blue because I was angry. And I can see so clearly now that holding my breath was my attempt to quit. If I couldn't get this life thing right (because everyone kept telling me I was doing it wrong) then I'd just quit living! Did I really want to die? No, but I think it was my way of trying to communicate to the adults around me that I could.not.take.anymore. I really needed confirmation that what was most important to them was ME and that I was there with them, and have them lay aside the fact that I wasn't picking up my toys, or hurrying fast enough, or eating my spinach. That the fact that I wasn't doing what they thought I should wasn't truly making me unworthy or "bad". That what mattered more than those actions was who I truly was, and that they loved the real me no matter what I did or didn't do. That was not the response I got.

Last night, as I explored the feeling, I found another, more freeing "I quit". "I quit" as in "I realize that the game we're playing here isn't important to me. I really and truly don't care if you approve of me and what I'm doing, or not. So I am going to lay down this rope here that we have been tugging back and forth, and step out of this arena into the blissful peace of knowing that I am okay no matter what your opinion of me or my actions. Your words fall like concrete outside of my awareness. I am free of this struggle, free to find my own way by listening to my own heart and inner voice." Aaahhhhhhhh. That feels MUCH better! Of course, as a kid that would have been difficult to do. The spankings, the punishments, the unkind words that would have happened to get me to PICK UP MY SIDE OF THE ROPE! if I had attempted that type of quitting. I wasn't so confident in my own worth then. What others said about/to me was more true than what I thought of myself. And those things just crushed me, and I picked up my side of the rope again, in the hopes that what I truly wanted would come from the people on the other side. That they would see ME and love ME and accept ME. And if I couldn't have that, then praise for conforming to their expectations would have to do.

You know, though. There are kids here now who have refused to pick up the rope. We may have all sorts of specialists who make the rope look attractive so they'll take hold and engage in the tug-of-war that we have been conditioned to believe is "right". Polite, inauthentic, disconnected communication, most preferably of the verbal variety. The successful, or not, accumulation of "skills" that make a person worthy, or not. The idea that there is one "mold" for all of humanity, one perfect way to be, and the less you fit that mold the less important, worthwhile, desired you are. Are these really ropes we WANT to be holding?

Please don't misunderstand me and think I'm saying that there should be no early interventions, no therapies. I'm not saying that at all. I have been on two sides with that. One side says "You're defective. You have problems with things "normal" people don't. You need to be made "normal", or at least to appear as normal as you can. Then you will "fit in" and therefore be worthwhile. I will help you with that." I do admit, I was once there. But now I see another side. This side says "You are whole and perfect and amazing just the way you are. You have all of these gifts that you struggle to communicate with others, all of these things you see others doing that you want to experience too. I will help you learn skills to do what YOU want, to help others see how brightly YOU shine. To help you navigate this world easier so you can reach more people with your message. Your message to drop the ropes. Life is so much more blissful and peaceful without them."

What ropes might you be happier without? What will it take for you to completely drop them? What ropes are the children around you refusing to pick up? Instead of shaking the rope wildly at them, furious that they won't take hold, could you just drop your end too? How much more peaceful could you be if you did?

Letting it out

This is a post I started working on a few months ago. And it seems right to finish it now, so I am. :) And finishing it without editing much, if anything, of what I wrote before. :)

It's been a long time since I wrote last. I've had a lot of internal stuff going on, we had about two months of illness, and so many swirling thoughts that there was no way to get out something coherent. Or more I felt like it needed to be coherent, , to be a story with a beginning, middle, end. A "yeah it sucked but this is what we got out of it in the end" or, I don't know. I've had a lot of wrestling with the idea that I have nothing to offer, nothing anyone would want to read.

Lately there has been a shift. I realized it first around food- I have spent a lot of time and stress agonizing over what to cook for meals, what to buy, what to serve, etc. And I've noticed that, without realizing it, my focus has been on making healthy foods that I think everyone will want to eat. Which of course there is nothing wrong with, just that, since *I* can only control *myself*, and know what *I* want to eat, by trying to only make things that I think my kids will like, I'm cutting myself off from the wisdom that I DO have access to, which is the wisdom of my own body. I can't know what their bodies want, because I'm not them. So when I try to guess that, and the whole experience of preparing and serving food is centered around guessing what their bodies want and what they will like, I am in a totally powerless position, and I am at their mercy because I have made "success" in the experience dependent on having guessed correctly. And once again I am totally ignoring my own needs/wants in the situation. And if I make eating all about other people and not about following my own body's wisdom, how are my kids supposed to learn how to listen to their own bodies around food? They certainly aren't seeing me do it! So I have shifted that- I am choosing (more often at least ;) ) to prepare what feels good to ME, that I can tell MY body wants and is excited about. And I am making sure there are things available for them to eat if their bodies don't feel the same. And I am continuing to ask their input and give them the opportunities to choose and help prepare foods that their bodies ARE saying that they want. Which has led to a new breakfast- breakfast pizza. Basically an omlette with cheese melted on it, cut into triangles. Which came soon after my own shift around food. I think I had been putting so much pressure on them to like what I was making (and therefore make it a success) that I wasn't giving them the freedom to explore other things. It has actually been a very subtle shift, it's not like I ordered them to eat food before, they always had the option to eat or not eat what was prepared, but I think they could FEEL how much was riding on their opinion of the food and it was making it hard for them to feel what their bodies were saying.

And that relates to this blog too. I have very often had all these things swirling around inside of me that want out, that I have felt led to let out in a way that other people can see. But I second guess myself, trying to figure out what people might want to read, or how they might react to what I've written. I feel responsible for whatever reaction they have to my words. If it's a negative reaction, there must be something wrong with what I said, or even worse, the person who said it- ME! Which, more often than not, leaves me very unsure about letting it out, so I just keep it inside. Although, keeping it inside doesn't make it go away. I've just become conscious of the fact that it continues to build and build inside me, this energy that is wanting to come through me in one form or another. And eventually I get so backlogged and everything trying to come through builds up so much pressure that it HAS to come out, most frequently in the form of exploding in anger or rage. I often find myself singing the following verse out of the song below, because it rings so true with my own experience-

"2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to"



Those explosions can very much feel like they're threatening my life! But at the same time, by stuffing the energy trying to come through me, I'm refusing to live. Because in order to stuff it, I almost have to assume a frozen position- one where I move my body only the bare minimum of what is required, I distract myself with other people's business and activities online that have very little meaning, but that take up time. I distract myself from all the activity inside me, the energy that is rushing around, trying its very best to find a way out! From the outside it doesn't look like I'm doing anything, but from the inside I am on high alert being a cage or prison for all this powerful amazing stuff that I've been gifted with the ability to deliver to the world, but I'm too afraid to! Sometimes it's like trying to turn my body into a hard enclosure for a Tasmanian devil- one moment focused on the present and it slips out, frequently destroying stuff in its path. Or resulting in negative attention and/or responses from those around me.

I've been asking myself how the energy is trying to come through in other ways, ways that I'm refusing. How does it WANT to come through me, before the pressure builds and it takes the form of a whirling dervish? Blogging/writing is one of them. I think the biggest, though, is painting/creating. Until a few years ago, I hadn't painted since high school. A friend encouraged me, and I started painting a bit. But I've been back to refusing over the past year. The last few months, though, I've been picking up my brushes more. And boy, it does feel good. :) And once I can figure out how to scan them into the computer better, I'll share some here.

Things really opened up for me a few months ago when I realized that it's my responsibility to let the energy flow through me in whatever way- talking/writing, art, music, healing, feeling, etc. It's other people's responsibility to recognize what is there speaking to them through me, if there is something. But it's not for me to guess or change the where/how/why of the energy, it's just for me to fully feel it in whatever way and let it through. Woooooosh!

So what are you being a prison for? What are your gifts that you've been given to deliver but are afraid of the consequences of letting them through? You are amazing, and your gifts are amazing, no matter how others respond. Some of us have been sent here to shake things up! Which often results in displeasure from others. But hey, if that's what we chose to come here to do, we might as well do it! And even if what is coming through you isn't as good as what is coming through someone else, the world needs you and your gifts too. Every act of allowing, no matter how mediocre it seems, is vital to the well-being of the whole planet, and most especially your own well-being. Being a portal is way more fun than being a prison!

Brand New Day

I can't stop listening to this song lately, it's just really speaking to me and where I am right now. Feeling on the verge of something huge and new, and the opportunities that keep showing up over and over to take those trepidatious first steps(yes, I may have made up a new word ;) ) that head towards this unknown that keeps calling to me.



I love this video, because it is so unexpected. And as I attempted to watch it this morning, in fits and starts because of needing to break up some fighting, or tend to someone overwhelmed with emotion, I got it. That it's ALWAYS a brand new day, in each second. Everything is new, and the past is past and CAN be just dropped. I'd like to say I moved with that knowing throughout my day, and honestly I did remind myself of it often. Did it make my feelings dissolve? Or the fighting stop? Or keep me from saying unkind things towards the one whose actions resulted in a sibling with a bloody nose? Nope. But still it was comforting that, yes, this moment is a new one, and I can choose differently. Or not. Maybe I need to continue through with where this is going. Maybe I have to allow the pressure to build up inside me until I decide it's not worth it to hold the pressure in anymore, to open the relief valve and let it fizzle. To finally fully LOOK at what is causing the pressure in the first place.

Also, through watching the video, the lines "for the first time in such a long long time, I know I'll be okay" really made sense, with respect to "big" things. It seems like the more "big" and "pushed me to the edge" things I've been through, the more I can look back and KNOW I was taken care of, and yes, I will be okay. No matter what, I will be okay. :)