I've been running into this feeling of wanting to quit a lot lately. Mostly because, I think, I'm completely overwhelmed about some things that I just haven't been able to find my way through yet. And, of course, it's all a mirror for other, earlier times when I've just wanted to quit. So last night I decided to do some tapping and see where it took me. Deep into the "I quit, I'm done playing your games, I don't care if I get your approval or not, I'm done!" *stick out tongue* And I realized, when I've gotten to this point before, I've never really ACTUALLY quit! I haven't loosened the snares, stepped out, and released all ties to whatever I was engulfed in. What I had really done was frozen and refused to make a decision, hoping that the other person/entity/whatever would see my complete and utter frustration and meet ME where I was with compassion. Whoa! So really, I had used this "I quit" as a way of attempting to diffuse the situation and hopefully get the other to make some kind of action since I was so full of fear/hurt/overwhelm that I couldn't.
An example of this is I'm told that I used to hold my breath until I turned blue because I was angry. And I can see so clearly now that holding my breath was my attempt to quit. If I couldn't get this life thing right (because everyone kept telling me I was doing it wrong) then I'd just quit living! Did I really want to die? No, but I think it was my way of trying to communicate to the adults around me that I could.not.take.anymore. I really needed confirmation that what was most important to them was ME and that I was there with them, and have them lay aside the fact that I wasn't picking up my toys, or hurrying fast enough, or eating my spinach. That the fact that I wasn't doing what they thought I should wasn't truly making me unworthy or "bad". That what mattered more than those actions was who I truly was, and that they loved the real me no matter what I did or didn't do. That was not the response I got.
Last night, as I explored the feeling, I found another, more freeing "I quit". "I quit" as in "I realize that the game we're playing here isn't important to me. I really and truly don't care if you approve of me and what I'm doing, or not. So I am going to lay down this rope here that we have been tugging back and forth, and step out of this arena into the blissful peace of knowing that I am okay no matter what your opinion of me or my actions. Your words fall like concrete outside of my awareness. I am free of this struggle, free to find my own way by listening to my own heart and inner voice." Aaahhhhhhhh. That feels MUCH better! Of course, as a kid that would have been difficult to do. The spankings, the punishments, the unkind words that would have happened to get me to PICK UP MY SIDE OF THE ROPE! if I had attempted that type of quitting. I wasn't so confident in my own worth then. What others said about/to me was more true than what I thought of myself. And those things just crushed me, and I picked up my side of the rope again, in the hopes that what I truly wanted would come from the people on the other side. That they would see ME and love ME and accept ME. And if I couldn't have that, then praise for conforming to their expectations would have to do.
You know, though. There are kids here now who have refused to pick up the rope. We may have all sorts of specialists who make the rope look attractive so they'll take hold and engage in the tug-of-war that we have been conditioned to believe is "right". Polite, inauthentic, disconnected communication, most preferably of the verbal variety. The successful, or not, accumulation of "skills" that make a person worthy, or not. The idea that there is one "mold" for all of humanity, one perfect way to be, and the less you fit that mold the less important, worthwhile, desired you are. Are these really ropes we WANT to be holding?
Please don't misunderstand me and think I'm saying that there should be no early interventions, no therapies. I'm not saying that at all. I have been on two sides with that. One side says "You're defective. You have problems with things "normal" people don't. You need to be made "normal", or at least to appear as normal as you can. Then you will "fit in" and therefore be worthwhile. I will help you with that." I do admit, I was once there. But now I see another side. This side says "You are whole and perfect and amazing just the way you are. You have all of these gifts that you struggle to communicate with others, all of these things you see others doing that you want to experience too. I will help you learn skills to do what YOU want, to help others see how brightly YOU shine. To help you navigate this world easier so you can reach more people with your message. Your message to drop the ropes. Life is so much more blissful and peaceful without them."
What ropes might you be happier without? What will it take for you to completely drop them? What ropes are the children around you refusing to pick up? Instead of shaking the rope wildly at them, furious that they won't take hold, could you just drop your end too? How much more peaceful could you be if you did?
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Letting it out
This is a post I started working on a few months ago. And it seems right to finish it now, so I am. :) And finishing it without editing much, if anything, of what I wrote before. :)
It's been a long time since I wrote last. I've had a lot of internal stuff going on, we had about two months of illness, and so many swirling thoughts that there was no way to get out something coherent. Or more I felt like it needed to be coherent, , to be a story with a beginning, middle, end. A "yeah it sucked but this is what we got out of it in the end" or, I don't know. I've had a lot of wrestling with the idea that I have nothing to offer, nothing anyone would want to read.
Lately there has been a shift. I realized it first around food- I have spent a lot of time and stress agonizing over what to cook for meals, what to buy, what to serve, etc. And I've noticed that, without realizing it, my focus has been on making healthy foods that I think everyone will want to eat. Which of course there is nothing wrong with, just that, since *I* can only control *myself*, and know what *I* want to eat, by trying to only make things that I think my kids will like, I'm cutting myself off from the wisdom that I DO have access to, which is the wisdom of my own body. I can't know what their bodies want, because I'm not them. So when I try to guess that, and the whole experience of preparing and serving food is centered around guessing what their bodies want and what they will like, I am in a totally powerless position, and I am at their mercy because I have made "success" in the experience dependent on having guessed correctly. And once again I am totally ignoring my own needs/wants in the situation. And if I make eating all about other people and not about following my own body's wisdom, how are my kids supposed to learn how to listen to their own bodies around food? They certainly aren't seeing me do it! So I have shifted that- I am choosing (more often at least ;) ) to prepare what feels good to ME, that I can tell MY body wants and is excited about. And I am making sure there are things available for them to eat if their bodies don't feel the same. And I am continuing to ask their input and give them the opportunities to choose and help prepare foods that their bodies ARE saying that they want. Which has led to a new breakfast- breakfast pizza. Basically an omlette with cheese melted on it, cut into triangles. Which came soon after my own shift around food. I think I had been putting so much pressure on them to like what I was making (and therefore make it a success) that I wasn't giving them the freedom to explore other things. It has actually been a very subtle shift, it's not like I ordered them to eat food before, they always had the option to eat or not eat what was prepared, but I think they could FEEL how much was riding on their opinion of the food and it was making it hard for them to feel what their bodies were saying.
And that relates to this blog too. I have very often had all these things swirling around inside of me that want out, that I have felt led to let out in a way that other people can see. But I second guess myself, trying to figure out what people might want to read, or how they might react to what I've written. I feel responsible for whatever reaction they have to my words. If it's a negative reaction, there must be something wrong with what I said, or even worse, the person who said it- ME! Which, more often than not, leaves me very unsure about letting it out, so I just keep it inside. Although, keeping it inside doesn't make it go away. I've just become conscious of the fact that it continues to build and build inside me, this energy that is wanting to come through me in one form or another. And eventually I get so backlogged and everything trying to come through builds up so much pressure that it HAS to come out, most frequently in the form of exploding in anger or rage. I often find myself singing the following verse out of the song below, because it rings so true with my own experience-
"2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to"
Those explosions can very much feel like they're threatening my life! But at the same time, by stuffing the energy trying to come through me, I'm refusing to live. Because in order to stuff it, I almost have to assume a frozen position- one where I move my body only the bare minimum of what is required, I distract myself with other people's business and activities online that have very little meaning, but that take up time. I distract myself from all the activity inside me, the energy that is rushing around, trying its very best to find a way out! From the outside it doesn't look like I'm doing anything, but from the inside I am on high alert being a cage or prison for all this powerful amazing stuff that I've been gifted with the ability to deliver to the world, but I'm too afraid to! Sometimes it's like trying to turn my body into a hard enclosure for a Tasmanian devil- one moment focused on the present and it slips out, frequently destroying stuff in its path. Or resulting in negative attention and/or responses from those around me.
I've been asking myself how the energy is trying to come through in other ways, ways that I'm refusing. How does it WANT to come through me, before the pressure builds and it takes the form of a whirling dervish? Blogging/writing is one of them. I think the biggest, though, is painting/creating. Until a few years ago, I hadn't painted since high school. A friend encouraged me, and I started painting a bit. But I've been back to refusing over the past year. The last few months, though, I've been picking up my brushes more. And boy, it does feel good. :) And once I can figure out how to scan them into the computer better, I'll share some here.
Things really opened up for me a few months ago when I realized that it's my responsibility to let the energy flow through me in whatever way- talking/writing, art, music, healing, feeling, etc. It's other people's responsibility to recognize what is there speaking to them through me, if there is something. But it's not for me to guess or change the where/how/why of the energy, it's just for me to fully feel it in whatever way and let it through. Woooooosh!
So what are you being a prison for? What are your gifts that you've been given to deliver but are afraid of the consequences of letting them through? You are amazing, and your gifts are amazing, no matter how others respond. Some of us have been sent here to shake things up! Which often results in displeasure from others. But hey, if that's what we chose to come here to do, we might as well do it! And even if what is coming through you isn't as good as what is coming through someone else, the world needs you and your gifts too. Every act of allowing, no matter how mediocre it seems, is vital to the well-being of the whole planet, and most especially your own well-being. Being a portal is way more fun than being a prison!
It's been a long time since I wrote last. I've had a lot of internal stuff going on, we had about two months of illness, and so many swirling thoughts that there was no way to get out something coherent. Or more I felt like it needed to be coherent, , to be a story with a beginning, middle, end. A "yeah it sucked but this is what we got out of it in the end" or, I don't know. I've had a lot of wrestling with the idea that I have nothing to offer, nothing anyone would want to read.
Lately there has been a shift. I realized it first around food- I have spent a lot of time and stress agonizing over what to cook for meals, what to buy, what to serve, etc. And I've noticed that, without realizing it, my focus has been on making healthy foods that I think everyone will want to eat. Which of course there is nothing wrong with, just that, since *I* can only control *myself*, and know what *I* want to eat, by trying to only make things that I think my kids will like, I'm cutting myself off from the wisdom that I DO have access to, which is the wisdom of my own body. I can't know what their bodies want, because I'm not them. So when I try to guess that, and the whole experience of preparing and serving food is centered around guessing what their bodies want and what they will like, I am in a totally powerless position, and I am at their mercy because I have made "success" in the experience dependent on having guessed correctly. And once again I am totally ignoring my own needs/wants in the situation. And if I make eating all about other people and not about following my own body's wisdom, how are my kids supposed to learn how to listen to their own bodies around food? They certainly aren't seeing me do it! So I have shifted that- I am choosing (more often at least ;) ) to prepare what feels good to ME, that I can tell MY body wants and is excited about. And I am making sure there are things available for them to eat if their bodies don't feel the same. And I am continuing to ask their input and give them the opportunities to choose and help prepare foods that their bodies ARE saying that they want. Which has led to a new breakfast- breakfast pizza. Basically an omlette with cheese melted on it, cut into triangles. Which came soon after my own shift around food. I think I had been putting so much pressure on them to like what I was making (and therefore make it a success) that I wasn't giving them the freedom to explore other things. It has actually been a very subtle shift, it's not like I ordered them to eat food before, they always had the option to eat or not eat what was prepared, but I think they could FEEL how much was riding on their opinion of the food and it was making it hard for them to feel what their bodies were saying.
And that relates to this blog too. I have very often had all these things swirling around inside of me that want out, that I have felt led to let out in a way that other people can see. But I second guess myself, trying to figure out what people might want to read, or how they might react to what I've written. I feel responsible for whatever reaction they have to my words. If it's a negative reaction, there must be something wrong with what I said, or even worse, the person who said it- ME! Which, more often than not, leaves me very unsure about letting it out, so I just keep it inside. Although, keeping it inside doesn't make it go away. I've just become conscious of the fact that it continues to build and build inside me, this energy that is wanting to come through me in one form or another. And eventually I get so backlogged and everything trying to come through builds up so much pressure that it HAS to come out, most frequently in the form of exploding in anger or rage. I often find myself singing the following verse out of the song below, because it rings so true with my own experience-
"2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to"
Those explosions can very much feel like they're threatening my life! But at the same time, by stuffing the energy trying to come through me, I'm refusing to live. Because in order to stuff it, I almost have to assume a frozen position- one where I move my body only the bare minimum of what is required, I distract myself with other people's business and activities online that have very little meaning, but that take up time. I distract myself from all the activity inside me, the energy that is rushing around, trying its very best to find a way out! From the outside it doesn't look like I'm doing anything, but from the inside I am on high alert being a cage or prison for all this powerful amazing stuff that I've been gifted with the ability to deliver to the world, but I'm too afraid to! Sometimes it's like trying to turn my body into a hard enclosure for a Tasmanian devil- one moment focused on the present and it slips out, frequently destroying stuff in its path. Or resulting in negative attention and/or responses from those around me.
I've been asking myself how the energy is trying to come through in other ways, ways that I'm refusing. How does it WANT to come through me, before the pressure builds and it takes the form of a whirling dervish? Blogging/writing is one of them. I think the biggest, though, is painting/creating. Until a few years ago, I hadn't painted since high school. A friend encouraged me, and I started painting a bit. But I've been back to refusing over the past year. The last few months, though, I've been picking up my brushes more. And boy, it does feel good. :) And once I can figure out how to scan them into the computer better, I'll share some here.
Things really opened up for me a few months ago when I realized that it's my responsibility to let the energy flow through me in whatever way- talking/writing, art, music, healing, feeling, etc. It's other people's responsibility to recognize what is there speaking to them through me, if there is something. But it's not for me to guess or change the where/how/why of the energy, it's just for me to fully feel it in whatever way and let it through. Woooooosh!
So what are you being a prison for? What are your gifts that you've been given to deliver but are afraid of the consequences of letting them through? You are amazing, and your gifts are amazing, no matter how others respond. Some of us have been sent here to shake things up! Which often results in displeasure from others. But hey, if that's what we chose to come here to do, we might as well do it! And even if what is coming through you isn't as good as what is coming through someone else, the world needs you and your gifts too. Every act of allowing, no matter how mediocre it seems, is vital to the well-being of the whole planet, and most especially your own well-being. Being a portal is way more fun than being a prison!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Brand New Day
I can't stop listening to this song lately, it's just really speaking to me and where I am right now. Feeling on the verge of something huge and new, and the opportunities that keep showing up over and over to take those trepidatious first steps(yes, I may have made up a new word ;) ) that head towards this unknown that keeps calling to me.
I love this video, because it is so unexpected. And as I attempted to watch it this morning, in fits and starts because of needing to break up some fighting, or tend to someone overwhelmed with emotion, I got it. That it's ALWAYS a brand new day, in each second. Everything is new, and the past is past and CAN be just dropped. I'd like to say I moved with that knowing throughout my day, and honestly I did remind myself of it often. Did it make my feelings dissolve? Or the fighting stop? Or keep me from saying unkind things towards the one whose actions resulted in a sibling with a bloody nose? Nope. But still it was comforting that, yes, this moment is a new one, and I can choose differently. Or not. Maybe I need to continue through with where this is going. Maybe I have to allow the pressure to build up inside me until I decide it's not worth it to hold the pressure in anymore, to open the relief valve and let it fizzle. To finally fully LOOK at what is causing the pressure in the first place.
Also, through watching the video, the lines "for the first time in such a long long time, I know I'll be okay" really made sense, with respect to "big" things. It seems like the more "big" and "pushed me to the edge" things I've been through, the more I can look back and KNOW I was taken care of, and yes, I will be okay. No matter what, I will be okay. :)
I love this video, because it is so unexpected. And as I attempted to watch it this morning, in fits and starts because of needing to break up some fighting, or tend to someone overwhelmed with emotion, I got it. That it's ALWAYS a brand new day, in each second. Everything is new, and the past is past and CAN be just dropped. I'd like to say I moved with that knowing throughout my day, and honestly I did remind myself of it often. Did it make my feelings dissolve? Or the fighting stop? Or keep me from saying unkind things towards the one whose actions resulted in a sibling with a bloody nose? Nope. But still it was comforting that, yes, this moment is a new one, and I can choose differently. Or not. Maybe I need to continue through with where this is going. Maybe I have to allow the pressure to build up inside me until I decide it's not worth it to hold the pressure in anymore, to open the relief valve and let it fizzle. To finally fully LOOK at what is causing the pressure in the first place.
Also, through watching the video, the lines "for the first time in such a long long time, I know I'll be okay" really made sense, with respect to "big" things. It seems like the more "big" and "pushed me to the edge" things I've been through, the more I can look back and KNOW I was taken care of, and yes, I will be okay. No matter what, I will be okay. :)
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Living MY Life
So as I have been exploring the feeling that I've been fighting life, more feelings have been coming up, more "AHA!"s. The biggest lately is how I have been trying so hard NOT to live my own life. For, like, my whole life.
I love Byron Katie. I especially love listening to her do The Work with other people. I just love her voice, her compassion, her love towards these people as they dig and examine. This is one of my favorites.
Anyway, something that really made an impact on me when I was listening to her book "Loving What Is" was her discussing that, in her eyes, there are three types of business in the world. (And I'm paraphrasing here because it has been a few years since I listened to this part!) My business, Your business, and God's business. And that whenever you are feeling stressed out, ask yourself whose business you're in. Because you can only do anything about your own business. So when you sit there fuming that so-and-so won't do this, or certain that if so-and-so would just take your advice and do x her life would be so much better, you're not in your own business. And when you're not in your own business, you're over there trying to live someone else's life, and there is no one over here living yours! You're giving up living the only life you DO have power over.
This popped into my head while talking to a dear friend recently, and it took awhile before I realized that, more than likely, it was popping into my head more for myself than for her. Because it dawned on me just how much of the day I spend NOT wanting to live my own life! And it isn't really obvious things either, it's things like checking facebook or message boards or blogs or whatever, immersing myself in other people's lives. Or so I think. ;) Checking out of mine for a bit to try out theirs. Not saying there is anything inherently wrong with experiencing bits of other people's lives by what they share. But the days where I feel drawn to KEEP checking, to go do something for a bit and then get online again, to check "one thing" and then get lost, those are the days I'm resisting living my own life. Which happen much less frequently than they used to, but they still do happen!
This finally clicked for me when I was pondering yet again my inability to read fiction since having kids. My problem is that when I read fiction I DIVE into the story, the story becomes my life, and when I get interrupted I get pissed. Mean and nasty and just not a person I want interacting with my kids. I have to finish the story, and even then it lingers within me for days, weeks. I even get a made up soundtrack running through my head. I'd need a weekend to myself before I could even dream of opening a Harry Potter book past the first two that I have already read. So I have just given up on reading fiction. I have plenty of non-fiction how-to type books that I have been enjoying reading, and it's not even like I get the chance to sit and read a ton of that, but I don't mind being interrupted as much then because, in general, there isn't much to get swept away with. But for whatever reason this inability has been tapping me on the shoulder a lot lately, maybe because it held this revelation for me. :)
I know that when I read voraciously as a child it was a way to escape, to go somewhere "more beautiful", or maybe safer, or at least somewhere where I generally knew the problems would be resolved by the time I got to the end of the book. It was a way to run away from my own feelings and fill myself with someone else's. Someone more perfect. Who maybe does what she/he "should". Or who can at least resolve things and move through conflict and on to the other side. Someone whose life I would love to take on instead of my own.
So it was just recently that I saw the parallel between these "safe", "perfect" worlds I used to escape to and the places my mind goes now. And it's not even necessarily those internet worlds, it's the "should" worlds. It's the place I go when I see that the kitchen is a mess and I start to beat myself up about it. Because I suck at cleaning, I can't get on top of it, or whatever. I am in my business but I am in my "perfect" self's business- you know the me in my head who always is on top of things and takes care of everything and everyone that needs to be taken care of. Who is always showered and wears clean clothes all the time and makes sure the socks and underwear make it to her family's drawers instead of sitting in the laundry room in a basket for them to fumble through. The one who makes the amazingly tasty nutrient dense meals three times a day PLUS snacks and always has the surfaces cleaned off for the kids to cook with her. Yeah that one.
So I see the mess but I don't really see it, what I see is that it SHOULDN'T be that way! It's like standing on the edge of a lake screaming about how cars should NOT be in lakes, blaming whoever put mine there, going on and on about how if whoever hadn't done whatever I wouldn't be in this situation that I shouldn't be in! At that point I'm not living my life. I'm trying to live my life the way I think it should be. And I could be there for years! But if I would just stop, take a deep breath (or ten), let the shock sink in, maybe cry a bit, and ACCEPT that this is where I am. My car is in the lake. THEN I have the possibility of actually doing something about it and getting it out!
So lately, when I find myself stuck, wanting to retreat and escape into some other world, be it an internet based one or my own "should" world, and I realize that's what I'm doing, I've been either saying "I don't want to live my life" or asking "Why don't I want to live my life?" and in general it kind of shakes me into reality. And most of the time I chuckle at myself, love myself for trying to "make life more bearable" or whatever, and then affirm that I DO want to live my life! I DO want to participate in what is going on around me. I DO want to experience and be real joy, which is a place I can't be when I'm trying to be somewhere other than where I am. And then I ask "What feels good about this situation? Follow that." Yes, it is my new mantra. And I'm loving it. :)
I am so grateful for my life. I am grateful for the opportunities to grow, to be joy, to be love, to figure out what I want and to follow my heart. I am grateful for my husband and my children and our families and all the wonderful things that have found themselves into our lives both past and present. I am grateful for this past year, both despite and because of the fact that I spent quite a bit of it being conflicted about wanting to live MY life. I was getting to see the glimpses of what living my life actually meant, and it is because of this past year that I am where I am now. I am so grateful for the amazing people in our lives, who stay, who come and go. Who no matter what they say or do, give us the opportunity to see love in the world. If not mirrored in them per se, at least they give us the opportunity to realize where we do feel love by contrast. I am grateful for the opportunity to experience life! And I am grateful for the opportunity to completely open my heart and BE gratefulness. And I am grateful for all of the people out there in the world, being mirrors, letting me see glimpses of you, and in turn see glimpses of me. Thank you.
Happy Thanksgiving!
I love Byron Katie. I especially love listening to her do The Work with other people. I just love her voice, her compassion, her love towards these people as they dig and examine. This is one of my favorites.
Anyway, something that really made an impact on me when I was listening to her book "Loving What Is" was her discussing that, in her eyes, there are three types of business in the world. (And I'm paraphrasing here because it has been a few years since I listened to this part!) My business, Your business, and God's business. And that whenever you are feeling stressed out, ask yourself whose business you're in. Because you can only do anything about your own business. So when you sit there fuming that so-and-so won't do this, or certain that if so-and-so would just take your advice and do x her life would be so much better, you're not in your own business. And when you're not in your own business, you're over there trying to live someone else's life, and there is no one over here living yours! You're giving up living the only life you DO have power over.
This popped into my head while talking to a dear friend recently, and it took awhile before I realized that, more than likely, it was popping into my head more for myself than for her. Because it dawned on me just how much of the day I spend NOT wanting to live my own life! And it isn't really obvious things either, it's things like checking facebook or message boards or blogs or whatever, immersing myself in other people's lives. Or so I think. ;) Checking out of mine for a bit to try out theirs. Not saying there is anything inherently wrong with experiencing bits of other people's lives by what they share. But the days where I feel drawn to KEEP checking, to go do something for a bit and then get online again, to check "one thing" and then get lost, those are the days I'm resisting living my own life. Which happen much less frequently than they used to, but they still do happen!
This finally clicked for me when I was pondering yet again my inability to read fiction since having kids. My problem is that when I read fiction I DIVE into the story, the story becomes my life, and when I get interrupted I get pissed. Mean and nasty and just not a person I want interacting with my kids. I have to finish the story, and even then it lingers within me for days, weeks. I even get a made up soundtrack running through my head. I'd need a weekend to myself before I could even dream of opening a Harry Potter book past the first two that I have already read. So I have just given up on reading fiction. I have plenty of non-fiction how-to type books that I have been enjoying reading, and it's not even like I get the chance to sit and read a ton of that, but I don't mind being interrupted as much then because, in general, there isn't much to get swept away with. But for whatever reason this inability has been tapping me on the shoulder a lot lately, maybe because it held this revelation for me. :)
I know that when I read voraciously as a child it was a way to escape, to go somewhere "more beautiful", or maybe safer, or at least somewhere where I generally knew the problems would be resolved by the time I got to the end of the book. It was a way to run away from my own feelings and fill myself with someone else's. Someone more perfect. Who maybe does what she/he "should". Or who can at least resolve things and move through conflict and on to the other side. Someone whose life I would love to take on instead of my own.
So it was just recently that I saw the parallel between these "safe", "perfect" worlds I used to escape to and the places my mind goes now. And it's not even necessarily those internet worlds, it's the "should" worlds. It's the place I go when I see that the kitchen is a mess and I start to beat myself up about it. Because I suck at cleaning, I can't get on top of it, or whatever. I am in my business but I am in my "perfect" self's business- you know the me in my head who always is on top of things and takes care of everything and everyone that needs to be taken care of. Who is always showered and wears clean clothes all the time and makes sure the socks and underwear make it to her family's drawers instead of sitting in the laundry room in a basket for them to fumble through. The one who makes the amazingly tasty nutrient dense meals three times a day PLUS snacks and always has the surfaces cleaned off for the kids to cook with her. Yeah that one.
So I see the mess but I don't really see it, what I see is that it SHOULDN'T be that way! It's like standing on the edge of a lake screaming about how cars should NOT be in lakes, blaming whoever put mine there, going on and on about how if whoever hadn't done whatever I wouldn't be in this situation that I shouldn't be in! At that point I'm not living my life. I'm trying to live my life the way I think it should be. And I could be there for years! But if I would just stop, take a deep breath (or ten), let the shock sink in, maybe cry a bit, and ACCEPT that this is where I am. My car is in the lake. THEN I have the possibility of actually doing something about it and getting it out!
So lately, when I find myself stuck, wanting to retreat and escape into some other world, be it an internet based one or my own "should" world, and I realize that's what I'm doing, I've been either saying "I don't want to live my life" or asking "Why don't I want to live my life?" and in general it kind of shakes me into reality. And most of the time I chuckle at myself, love myself for trying to "make life more bearable" or whatever, and then affirm that I DO want to live my life! I DO want to participate in what is going on around me. I DO want to experience and be real joy, which is a place I can't be when I'm trying to be somewhere other than where I am. And then I ask "What feels good about this situation? Follow that." Yes, it is my new mantra. And I'm loving it. :)
I am so grateful for my life. I am grateful for the opportunities to grow, to be joy, to be love, to figure out what I want and to follow my heart. I am grateful for my husband and my children and our families and all the wonderful things that have found themselves into our lives both past and present. I am grateful for this past year, both despite and because of the fact that I spent quite a bit of it being conflicted about wanting to live MY life. I was getting to see the glimpses of what living my life actually meant, and it is because of this past year that I am where I am now. I am so grateful for the amazing people in our lives, who stay, who come and go. Who no matter what they say or do, give us the opportunity to see love in the world. If not mirrored in them per se, at least they give us the opportunity to realize where we do feel love by contrast. I am grateful for the opportunity to experience life! And I am grateful for the opportunity to completely open my heart and BE gratefulness. And I am grateful for all of the people out there in the world, being mirrors, letting me see glimpses of you, and in turn see glimpses of me. Thank you.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Blog Directions
I've had some conflict recently about this blog, trying to figure out what direction it should take. My original intention was just to have a place where I document things we do. But then the definition of "doing" kind of gets in the way- what qualifies? Big projects? Fun things that other people might want to see? Academic looking things? and why do I want to share all of this with other people? To inspire them? To make myself accountable for getting things down?
And then I remember "What feels good about this? Follow that." And what feels good is sharing what I feel inspired to share! And not having guidelines or a required post count or even a specific direction. I've been feeling lately this struggle between the "out there" me and the "physically here in my body" me, like how can they exist in the same person? And I realized that by limiting my postings to things we are DOing in our life, things I can photograph or time or that resemble an activity, I'm cutting out and pushing away the philosophical, spiritual side once again, the side that reminds me to just BE. That often looks like DOing nothing.
So that's what feels good. Following my inspirations, my intuition, my joy and having them lead me to post or not. So this blog may get kind of chaotic and jumbled, or it may not. Maybe it will help me see how the two sides of me combine. Or maybe it will fizzle and die. Kind of exciting to see. I am looking forward to it. :)
And then I remember "What feels good about this? Follow that." And what feels good is sharing what I feel inspired to share! And not having guidelines or a required post count or even a specific direction. I've been feeling lately this struggle between the "out there" me and the "physically here in my body" me, like how can they exist in the same person? And I realized that by limiting my postings to things we are DOing in our life, things I can photograph or time or that resemble an activity, I'm cutting out and pushing away the philosophical, spiritual side once again, the side that reminds me to just BE. That often looks like DOing nothing.
So that's what feels good. Following my inspirations, my intuition, my joy and having them lead me to post or not. So this blog may get kind of chaotic and jumbled, or it may not. Maybe it will help me see how the two sides of me combine. Or maybe it will fizzle and die. Kind of exciting to see. I am looking forward to it. :)
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Fighting Life
I've been feeling like I've been fighting life lately- just wanting to resist and stay where I am and push life away. Not suprisingly, there isn't a whole lot that gets done when that happens! Not just physical stuff, even real listening and acknowledging where I am/what is going on both inside and outside of me. I just get to a place where I freeze and want everything to stop.
Yesterday I tried to explore that, to get into the frozen fightingness. I was feeling overwhelmed about this thing that I *want* to do but there is fear about it- part of me wants to jump in and do it and another part of me is very afraid of the unknown and just wants things to stay the same. I wasn't sure where to go. And I heard "What feels good about this? Follow that." And woosh, some of the fear left. As I write this I can feel some of the resistance still, but I plan on following that good feeling and see where we go. Hopefully we'll have pictures to share of what feels good about the situation in the future. :) As long as making the supplies order feels good too!
Yesterday I tried to explore that, to get into the frozen fightingness. I was feeling overwhelmed about this thing that I *want* to do but there is fear about it- part of me wants to jump in and do it and another part of me is very afraid of the unknown and just wants things to stay the same. I wasn't sure where to go. And I heard "What feels good about this? Follow that." And woosh, some of the fear left. As I write this I can feel some of the resistance still, but I plan on following that good feeling and see where we go. Hopefully we'll have pictures to share of what feels good about the situation in the future. :) As long as making the supplies order feels good too!
Monday, October 18, 2010
In an effort to focus on what DOES happen in our home instead of what doesn't (oh, darn, I have a load of laundry that needs to go in the dryer. . .), today we. . .
. . . taught HD how to play Pokemon. And I finally read all those words under "Special Conditions" and realized that there IS a way to recover from them (retreat or evolve)! Fantastic!
. . . took a short walk in the woods to check out a huge tree that lives not far from the house. I'm not sure what it is yet but it has smooth, light gray bark that just begs to be touched. I've heard that the land around here was all clear cut by Mead back in the 40s, so we have a lot of smaller, crowded trees in the forest. Thankfully they didn't cut them all down, and we have some awesome stately giants that live here and there. :)
. . . walked farther and found at least 6 maple trees that are over 10 inches wide! Including another one of those stately giants. I am excited about that discovery because that means I have reason to look more into the logistics of tapping the trees and trying our hand at making some maple syrup. Yum!
. . . I also found some saplings that I'm almost positive are paw-paw! W agreed with me that the leaves we found looked like the ones in the book. I guess we'll keep an eye out for dark red flowers on them next year!
. . . made lots of balloon animals, swords, and belts. L figured out how to hold the balloon on with one hand so it wouldn't fly away and pump with the other. E made a couple balloon dogs. And some of them even had 4 legs, lol! The other ones were ballet dancing. :)
. . . I discovered that I CAN stay calm and not yell in frustration when three people want me to do things with them all at the same time. It can be accomplished by lots of breathing and explaining my feelings to the kids. Also by only moving forward with any of the tasks once I feel at peace again. And I learned that I can make balloon animals and play Pokemon at the same time, by taking breaks and focusing on each thing for a few minutes, then going back to the other thing. This is actually big for me because I really only focus on one thing at a time. It's something I've just finally accepted about myself. I just do not multi-task well- I forget what I'm doing and generally make a mess of all of the things I was trying to do. I do not keep running lists of everything going on at once in my head. I see what's in front of me and do that. Maybe it doesn't seem like much of a distinction, but for me it is. It's the difference between listening to someone talk AND stirring a pot AND hearing the song on the stereo, and knowing exactly what's going on with each (which I know some people can do!) or setting the spoon down, pausing the music, and looking at the person with my full attention to GET what they're saying, THEN stirring the pot, THEN pushing play for another song. The second example just feels so much more peaceful and grounded to me.
And I realize it doesn't have to be an all or nothing type thing. When I had kids I gave up doing lots of things that I used to love- reading fiction, creating in an artistic way. Mostly because I HATED being interrupted, which is inevitable with kids, so I just decided it wasn't worth it. But I've started to see how much I've lost by just NOT doing those things, and I want to bring them back into my life. And it feels like I have figured out the way, the structure of HOW to do it even with the interruptions and the "Mama I need you now!"s. Yay. :)
. . . taught HD how to play Pokemon. And I finally read all those words under "Special Conditions" and realized that there IS a way to recover from them (retreat or evolve)! Fantastic!
. . . took a short walk in the woods to check out a huge tree that lives not far from the house. I'm not sure what it is yet but it has smooth, light gray bark that just begs to be touched. I've heard that the land around here was all clear cut by Mead back in the 40s, so we have a lot of smaller, crowded trees in the forest. Thankfully they didn't cut them all down, and we have some awesome stately giants that live here and there. :)
. . . walked farther and found at least 6 maple trees that are over 10 inches wide! Including another one of those stately giants. I am excited about that discovery because that means I have reason to look more into the logistics of tapping the trees and trying our hand at making some maple syrup. Yum!
. . . I also found some saplings that I'm almost positive are paw-paw! W agreed with me that the leaves we found looked like the ones in the book. I guess we'll keep an eye out for dark red flowers on them next year!
. . . made lots of balloon animals, swords, and belts. L figured out how to hold the balloon on with one hand so it wouldn't fly away and pump with the other. E made a couple balloon dogs. And some of them even had 4 legs, lol! The other ones were ballet dancing. :)
. . . I discovered that I CAN stay calm and not yell in frustration when three people want me to do things with them all at the same time. It can be accomplished by lots of breathing and explaining my feelings to the kids. Also by only moving forward with any of the tasks once I feel at peace again. And I learned that I can make balloon animals and play Pokemon at the same time, by taking breaks and focusing on each thing for a few minutes, then going back to the other thing. This is actually big for me because I really only focus on one thing at a time. It's something I've just finally accepted about myself. I just do not multi-task well- I forget what I'm doing and generally make a mess of all of the things I was trying to do. I do not keep running lists of everything going on at once in my head. I see what's in front of me and do that. Maybe it doesn't seem like much of a distinction, but for me it is. It's the difference between listening to someone talk AND stirring a pot AND hearing the song on the stereo, and knowing exactly what's going on with each (which I know some people can do!) or setting the spoon down, pausing the music, and looking at the person with my full attention to GET what they're saying, THEN stirring the pot, THEN pushing play for another song. The second example just feels so much more peaceful and grounded to me.
And I realize it doesn't have to be an all or nothing type thing. When I had kids I gave up doing lots of things that I used to love- reading fiction, creating in an artistic way. Mostly because I HATED being interrupted, which is inevitable with kids, so I just decided it wasn't worth it. But I've started to see how much I've lost by just NOT doing those things, and I want to bring them back into my life. And it feels like I have figured out the way, the structure of HOW to do it even with the interruptions and the "Mama I need you now!"s. Yay. :)
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